So one more day of my silent retreat. I am with so many emotions, Very sad I have to depart tommorow. If it Gods Will I will like to join the order if its a possibility. I really like it here. This place is amazing, here with Jesus the Nazorean. Tommorow leaving the Sisters will be slight of a problem. LOL. Im up a creek without a paddle. Lets see whats going to happen. Prayer is soon and I will leave it in the hands of God.
10:00
I found this meditation in a book by the priest that is saying here on retreat. Father Timothy M. Gallagher. Is Mary speaking to my heart? PRAYER TIME. The Virgin Mary is amazing. So as I was saying before I want to thank the Virgin Mary. One of the meditations in the book I did last night. As you call it Lectio!!!
If you would like the meditation I will type it later!!!!
12:30
Cardinal O'Connor who started the Sisters of Life in 1991. Amazingness. I met him. From reading his book what a down to earth man. He was willing ot help anyone and he was just a person. Didnt act like the raja of ponja in the fact that he was the head of something bigger. Never went to his head. I have such a calming presence in my heart. The sister that will be sitting at my table has been intriquing me for a few days. Something about her, maybe its the fact that one of the sisters in the Daughters named Sister Brigid and they look somewhat alike. Is that a sign or am I looking into to much again. The Lord has showed me the way to the Sisters of Life. Amazing.
6:30 Almost dinner
Waiting for the bell to ring. Why hasnt the bell rung yet? I need to talk the silence in me is depleting. Jesus Lord and Savior of hte world please give me the grace to make it through the last few hourse of silence. My patience is depleting in me. O Lord God grant me patience and give it to me now. The Blessed Virgin Mary, all the angels and saints, please help me to keep silent and only to talk and give the joys of my heart to the Lord. My God and my savior. I feel the last few hours are the hardest. I give you my vocation Lord if you leave my heart at ease the the Sisters of Life. I love it. It feels like its been a minute. O anguish please diminish my soul. The silence Ive made it just about through. Lord I give you my impatience and my struggle to keep silent this evening.
YOUR GRACE IS ENOUGH!! GOD IN THE CITY!!!!
10:30
The last night of my silence is upon me. Thank the Lord God Almighty. This retreats proves two things; I can be silent and I willing to be open to listen to Gods call. Nothing can tear me away fro the Sisters of Life. AS long as I dont have to be silent again for a while ITS GOOD!! Tommorow mass at 7:00. Marvelosity of Latin, and English with Father Gallagher saying mass very cool indeed. Now what would be amazing to end this trip would be to see Sister G. If not thats ok. I will pray for her in the morning and during mass. Good night God Bless and hope this journey has brought you closer to Jesus Christ.
Monday, January 26, 2009
8th day of silence!!!
Friday 12:10
I found Love of JEsus Christ during mass once again today. I was focused, I listened an felt the presence of JEsus Christ. Mass solitifies that I was to be a Sister of Life if it is the will of God. The Eucharist is the power and Glory.
2:40
I dont want daily mass and prayer to end with the sisters. I want to do this for the rest of my life. I cant loose the Eucharist. A sister with two bottles of wine now thats a good time. I cant leave Jesus. I want to be with him. In a matter of speaking I will be in 15 minutes. When the exposition of the blessed sacrament begins. Thats where it all begins. Jesus. Jesus is at the core of my soul.
3:45
After time with the Lord in Adoration
Why did I almost fall asleep. My mind was going every which way. Why? First it was a classmates mother passing away of cancer when I was in middle school, staying at the benedictines in PA, the german girl, and thinking about where she was going to stay, staying with Sister G. at chantel(never happened). Does these have to do with my vocation. At the moments of pure joy for the Sisters I have made a decision bus it it a retreat high. Its silent. How can that be a retreat "high".
Speak Now for your servant is listening
Why was my energy drained in the Eucharist
9:20
The Lord spoke during my intense rosary. He said give it up for my sake. The Daughters of St. Paul. I have a feeling it does. If I give up the prospect of becoming a Dauughter God must have something deeper in store for me.
I found Love of JEsus Christ during mass once again today. I was focused, I listened an felt the presence of JEsus Christ. Mass solitifies that I was to be a Sister of Life if it is the will of God. The Eucharist is the power and Glory.
2:40
I dont want daily mass and prayer to end with the sisters. I want to do this for the rest of my life. I cant loose the Eucharist. A sister with two bottles of wine now thats a good time. I cant leave Jesus. I want to be with him. In a matter of speaking I will be in 15 minutes. When the exposition of the blessed sacrament begins. Thats where it all begins. Jesus. Jesus is at the core of my soul.
3:45
After time with the Lord in Adoration
Why did I almost fall asleep. My mind was going every which way. Why? First it was a classmates mother passing away of cancer when I was in middle school, staying at the benedictines in PA, the german girl, and thinking about where she was going to stay, staying with Sister G. at chantel(never happened). Does these have to do with my vocation. At the moments of pure joy for the Sisters I have made a decision bus it it a retreat high. Its silent. How can that be a retreat "high".
Speak Now for your servant is listening
Why was my energy drained in the Eucharist
9:20
The Lord spoke during my intense rosary. He said give it up for my sake. The Daughters of St. Paul. I have a feeling it does. If I give up the prospect of becoming a Dauughter God must have something deeper in store for me.
Seventh day of silence
Sexuality is beautiful because it has been given to me by God. But at times we are tempted by the Devil from below. In times of temptation we say.
This is a woman (man) made in the image and likeness of God, never to be looked upon as an object for my gratification. Lord Jesus grant me the grace to see the image of your glory in the beauty of this (man) and order my sexual desires toward the truth of love. I renounce any tendency within me to use others for my own pleasure and I unite my suffering with yours on the cross
AMEN
4:00
Thelogy of the body is insanely huge. That God for the amazing man by the name of Christopher West. Sitting in adoration I have come to know that my sexuality is beautiful beause it was created by Christ. That is the coolest thing ever. I am loved by Jesus Christ. Becasue he created me in his likeness and image. Im stting here drinking a banana smoothie. Jesus is amazing. I want to say yes. Still cant get used to the noises. I fee like Jack on the titanic when he was at dinner in first class eating and drinking champagne with the fine people. There is a walking a ladder in the window.
4:50
See eucharist at a deeper level!
This is a woman (man) made in the image and likeness of God, never to be looked upon as an object for my gratification. Lord Jesus grant me the grace to see the image of your glory in the beauty of this (man) and order my sexual desires toward the truth of love. I renounce any tendency within me to use others for my own pleasure and I unite my suffering with yours on the cross
AMEN
4:00
Thelogy of the body is insanely huge. That God for the amazing man by the name of Christopher West. Sitting in adoration I have come to know that my sexuality is beautiful beause it was created by Christ. That is the coolest thing ever. I am loved by Jesus Christ. Becasue he created me in his likeness and image. Im stting here drinking a banana smoothie. Jesus is amazing. I want to say yes. Still cant get used to the noises. I fee like Jack on the titanic when he was at dinner in first class eating and drinking champagne with the fine people. There is a walking a ladder in the window.
4:50
See eucharist at a deeper level!
The sixth day continued
5:00
Me thinking that Im a postulant keeps coming up when I enter into prayer. Also me thinking about my hair and cutting it when they cut my hair for their veils. I wont be able to color it after but I dont know if I want to anymore. Also, me thinking about me weaning myself off the computer and television seeing how I will probably be using them very little when I enter. There will be no time for mindless television. Giving up worldly thinkgs will be for the Glory of God the Father. During pray I thought about doing everything in my habit which includes basketball. It think it will be fun to play b-ball in my habit. Hey I played basketball in my first communion dress (Must have been an omen). I remember my sisters godmother getting really upset and I think I also got punch on it. But thats besides the point. No more soup. Im ok now. Just had ot get that out there. Everyday soup soup soup soup soup. Its amused me because I basically ate campbells soups when I went to community college. But this soup is soo much better. Except for lentel soup. Im not sure.. Strange thought: Me, a bunch of sisters with a dioly on my head. Ok Ive handled silence for a long period of time. I need to focus on prayer. First potty.
9:15
Tommorw I will have confession with Father Paul Check. If he is the priest I think he is the one who is continuing Paul Harveys apostolate which means this confession will be filled with vulnerability. God will give me courage and strength. Earlier I was thinking hard on my confession. Then saying the rosary was a feeling I was given from the Virgin Mary to say to be comforted, saying the rosary is a blessing. Tommorow is my confesssion and all will be given to the Lord.
Bless Me father for I have sinned
BETWEEN ME AND JESUS!!!
YOUR GRACE IS ENOUGH
Me thinking that Im a postulant keeps coming up when I enter into prayer. Also me thinking about my hair and cutting it when they cut my hair for their veils. I wont be able to color it after but I dont know if I want to anymore. Also, me thinking about me weaning myself off the computer and television seeing how I will probably be using them very little when I enter. There will be no time for mindless television. Giving up worldly thinkgs will be for the Glory of God the Father. During pray I thought about doing everything in my habit which includes basketball. It think it will be fun to play b-ball in my habit. Hey I played basketball in my first communion dress (Must have been an omen). I remember my sisters godmother getting really upset and I think I also got punch on it. But thats besides the point. No more soup. Im ok now. Just had ot get that out there. Everyday soup soup soup soup soup. Its amused me because I basically ate campbells soups when I went to community college. But this soup is soo much better. Except for lentel soup. Im not sure.. Strange thought: Me, a bunch of sisters with a dioly on my head. Ok Ive handled silence for a long period of time. I need to focus on prayer. First potty.
9:15
Tommorw I will have confession with Father Paul Check. If he is the priest I think he is the one who is continuing Paul Harveys apostolate which means this confession will be filled with vulnerability. God will give me courage and strength. Earlier I was thinking hard on my confession. Then saying the rosary was a feeling I was given from the Virgin Mary to say to be comforted, saying the rosary is a blessing. Tommorow is my confesssion and all will be given to the Lord.
Bless Me father for I have sinned
BETWEEN ME AND JESUS!!!
YOUR GRACE IS ENOUGH
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Sixth Day
10:50
What was the purpose for feelig way I did. What was the purpose of commiting those nasty sins? Because it brought me to the hear and now. God grant me peace to never do it again.
2:50
Jesus is going to be pleaced in the center of the altar for the world to see. Jesus Christ is all I need. Tommorow I will talk to him in confession through Father Paul Check, and he helping in courage, main apostolate dealing with same sex attraction. I have so much more peace aout myself than when I first questioned it. The Lord loves me. Its amazing. They just turned the lights on in the chapel and pow the Lord comes alive. Live in the moment of Jesus Christ. I cannot be torn about from my God. He may not be a movie star but when it comes to being happy we are
3:20
During adoration I heard a bird outside and it made me thinkg of the bird that landed in the crown of Jesus when was dying on the cross. Adoration or Exposition is beautiful. AFter I left I thought about my confession. What do I do about confessing? Ive only in my heart told Jesus everything. Now to a priest in confession.
Bless me father for I have sinned
(BETWEEN ME AND JESUS CHRIST)
4:20
As I am looking back on my journal entries form the past few days. I have grown so much in my prayer and in the increase in the trust that Maria Faustina had for Jesus Christ
5:00
TBC!!
What was the purpose for feelig way I did. What was the purpose of commiting those nasty sins? Because it brought me to the hear and now. God grant me peace to never do it again.
2:50
Jesus is going to be pleaced in the center of the altar for the world to see. Jesus Christ is all I need. Tommorow I will talk to him in confession through Father Paul Check, and he helping in courage, main apostolate dealing with same sex attraction. I have so much more peace aout myself than when I first questioned it. The Lord loves me. Its amazing. They just turned the lights on in the chapel and pow the Lord comes alive. Live in the moment of Jesus Christ. I cannot be torn about from my God. He may not be a movie star but when it comes to being happy we are
3:20
During adoration I heard a bird outside and it made me thinkg of the bird that landed in the crown of Jesus when was dying on the cross. Adoration or Exposition is beautiful. AFter I left I thought about my confession. What do I do about confessing? Ive only in my heart told Jesus everything. Now to a priest in confession.
Bless me father for I have sinned
(BETWEEN ME AND JESUS CHRIST)
4:20
As I am looking back on my journal entries form the past few days. I have grown so much in my prayer and in the increase in the trust that Maria Faustina had for Jesus Christ
5:00
TBC!!
Fifth day of silence
I woke up with a funny feeling within me today. last night I dreamt of priest and nuns. One of the priests I met at a byzantine catholic pigrtimage was saying mass for us, My father did not approve so Father Jack was comforting me. For some reason he said mass, I dressed, had some problems doing that because I apparently forot where some of the robes were. So after the mass he was holding me and letting me cry because my father doenst think that Byzantine Catholic is Catholic. So I was sad in my dream. But after I saw Father Jack, I saw Father Joe O'Connor my vocation director of my diocese showed up. Then I woke up. I really didnt understand why I dreamt about Byzantine style last night. Last night before I went to bed I kept thinking my room was haunted. I am not used to the noise the heater makes or the wind outside. Since this is an od house many strange noises occur. The hallway reminds me of a horror movie and it was mostly quiet. It feels like Im the only one here. I feel at home in this room. I have my own bed, desk, and time (place) for meditation. This is the life I am almost surely positive I want to lead. I know this is a retreat and the times of prayer, meditation, and what not will change. But seeing the joy in the sisters and I know they balance work, pleasure and prayer. I want to shout out to the world the the Glory of God the Father I want to be a Sister of Life. Now I know with all new adventures comes some trials but Im willing to face them with Jesus Christ by my side and the Virgin Mary. Even in silence I just want to be tell someone I want to join the order. During my silent meditative prayer I thought of Touched by an Angel episode "The 151 psalm". Wynonna Judd plays a mother of a boy who had a terminable illness. She iss... just broke the silence with Father. It was nice to talk and tell someone that I am drawn to the community. I know some practical things such as this is not a retreat and the real living will change. The Lord is so good to me. He is amaing how much joy he has put into my heart, I dont ever what it to change. The feeling of the Lord is in my heart. I have a weird feeling in my heart God is calling me here or it could be the banana I just ate (LOL). More prayer, patience, and perserverance. Now the priest just gave me some scripture passages which talk about people being called.
The scriptures include"
Genesis 12:1-5
I Samuel 3 1-14
MK 10: 17-22
Philippians 4:8-13
The scriptures include"
Genesis 12:1-5
I Samuel 3 1-14
MK 10: 17-22
Philippians 4:8-13
Monday, January 19, 2009
Fourth Day of Silence
10:50
Throughout morning prayer my mind kept thinking of my vocation to the religious life. My mind kept going back to this order: The Sisters of Life. When I pray I kept thinking about me as a postulant. Being a postulant would be amazing and cool. I think habits are so beautiful. Its amazing. Its a cool sign from Jesus. Habits look like a pillow case on the head. But in honesty I would love to done the clothes of a novice then wear the habit and be a sign for the world to see that I Candice Barbara Wilcox am a sign from God. A Sister. Trusting in the Lord is my struggle right now. In my prayer is difficult for me to completely and full fledged say yes to the Lord. one reason is that I dont know where God is calling me. Some days in my silence thus far Ive though that Jesus wants me to become a sister a sign of Christ for the world to see. I want to be like Sister Maria Faustina trusting that everything will be fine. When I put it in the hands of God. When I let Christ Love me it was the most amazing feeling in the world. Now this is where I feel like Maria Faustina, in the fact that I feel somewhat of a disconnect at the moment. When I attend mass and before I will pray to Jesus for clarity and less confusion in my mind and heart.
3:35 After Exposition
The Lord Jesus Christ came out at 3:00 in the afternoon. I have begun to read "The diary of Maria Faustina and Im learning thatI have some things in common. When Sister felt many torments and temptations she didnt where God was in all that. Its exactly like my junior year of college and on when I when I began to struggle with the feelings of confusion about my sexuality and the act of self-gratification. I didnt feel close to God. When I told Sisters and Priests about my struggles they kept trying to reiterate to me over and over that God Loved me. But because of my sins were against purity I felt that Jesus was against me and he didnt love me through my sinfulness. Such like Sister Maria Faustina I stuck to prayer for comfort and peace. A priest told sister that "this is a sign" he told me "that God loves you very much and that he has great confidence in since he is sending you these trials. There are times when I want to pray throwing everything at Jesus and question all he gave me. These struggles? For what purpose? but to no avail for a long time I found no peace within. It wasnt until I came to the Sisters of Life that I found that peace. I FOUND JESUS HERE!! Jesus Lead me to the various people I have met.
Do what you will of me O JESUS.
I will adore you in everything
May your will be done in me.
O my lord and my God and I will praise your infinite mercy
(page 40 of The Daries of Sister Maria Faustina)
Throughout morning prayer my mind kept thinking of my vocation to the religious life. My mind kept going back to this order: The Sisters of Life. When I pray I kept thinking about me as a postulant. Being a postulant would be amazing and cool. I think habits are so beautiful. Its amazing. Its a cool sign from Jesus. Habits look like a pillow case on the head. But in honesty I would love to done the clothes of a novice then wear the habit and be a sign for the world to see that I Candice Barbara Wilcox am a sign from God. A Sister. Trusting in the Lord is my struggle right now. In my prayer is difficult for me to completely and full fledged say yes to the Lord. one reason is that I dont know where God is calling me. Some days in my silence thus far Ive though that Jesus wants me to become a sister a sign of Christ for the world to see. I want to be like Sister Maria Faustina trusting that everything will be fine. When I put it in the hands of God. When I let Christ Love me it was the most amazing feeling in the world. Now this is where I feel like Maria Faustina, in the fact that I feel somewhat of a disconnect at the moment. When I attend mass and before I will pray to Jesus for clarity and less confusion in my mind and heart.
3:35 After Exposition
The Lord Jesus Christ came out at 3:00 in the afternoon. I have begun to read "The diary of Maria Faustina and Im learning thatI have some things in common. When Sister felt many torments and temptations she didnt where God was in all that. Its exactly like my junior year of college and on when I when I began to struggle with the feelings of confusion about my sexuality and the act of self-gratification. I didnt feel close to God. When I told Sisters and Priests about my struggles they kept trying to reiterate to me over and over that God Loved me. But because of my sins were against purity I felt that Jesus was against me and he didnt love me through my sinfulness. Such like Sister Maria Faustina I stuck to prayer for comfort and peace. A priest told sister that "this is a sign" he told me "that God loves you very much and that he has great confidence in since he is sending you these trials. There are times when I want to pray throwing everything at Jesus and question all he gave me. These struggles? For what purpose? but to no avail for a long time I found no peace within. It wasnt until I came to the Sisters of Life that I found that peace. I FOUND JESUS HERE!! Jesus Lead me to the various people I have met.
Do what you will of me O JESUS.
I will adore you in everything
May your will be done in me.
O my lord and my God and I will praise your infinite mercy
(page 40 of The Daries of Sister Maria Faustina)
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