3rd day of silence Part 1

I kept waking up thinking I was not going wake up. My mind was racing late last night. Late being defined as late for staying up in a convent. At night it seems its when I have the hardest time staying silent. By 9:00 Im like "What do I do now" then my mind starts racing. I need to give myself a pattern of getting up and going to be at a certain time. It kind of drives me nutns that mass it at a certain time. (late that that is). Thats a retreat I guess. Buts its very interesting interesting to walk into the refrectory to find no one eating breakfast at 8:00 in the morning..but a sister just walked in so I dont feel all alone. But the room that I am in one the second floor scares me. Its down a long hallway and its freakishly quiet and Im not used to the sounds the building makes or the green flash on the smoke detector. But Ive only been here since Saturday and its Monday. Be right back have to go get more tissues. Ok Im back. Its so silent in here, you can here the birds singing ouside and you can smell the incense from the day before. When Just went into my hallway it smelled of ham or something new. Everytime I pray I will ask you the same question: Is this where you are calling me? I want to hear the rythmn of your voice. I want to here you want me. Im going to talk to the Lord. Ill write more after morning prayer.

15 minutes before mass

The song all I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you...It still smells like incense

After Mass 12:10

Did I miss something or they didnt open the tabernacle during mass. I am enthralled my Sister Emanuelle (forgive spelling) voice. Her voice is a gift from God. From some reason I think she is from Austria. But anyways, My Love for Jesus is soing stroing and I want to serve him. Everything about the sisters makes me happy. I feel I am called to be here. Please say it is so Jesus christ. Thus for I had more momemts of excitement of being with Christ than not. There have been moments of confusion of what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I want to keep you in my heart forever Lord. Will their be times of spiritual drynes. Sure. Every saint goes through that. Earlier before mass I was thinking about my postulancy but I had another thought but I cant think of what it is exactly. Why does the thought of the daughters come into my head. Perhaps their is a connection between FAther Alberione and Sister Maria Faustina.

1:30

When I was younger I was afraid to try new thing because I was afraid of what people might think. At times that still reigns in my memory but it doenst matter when its me and the Lord. I am not afraid to Follow the Will of God. I am not afraid to hear what people have to think about what I am going to do with the rest of my life.

2:45

I am excited to see the Blessed Sacrament come out and put in the monstrance for the world to see. I see Jesus and it makes me extremely happy to know that our Lord and Savior will never leave me. Why am I worried no one will show up. I want the world to see that Jesus christ is Lord. I want to preach it to the hills that the Glory of God reigns forever more. The lord giveth and the Lord taketh away blessed be the Lord. Its amazing the Lord is present in the Eucharist. Oh Jesus how I Love thee better than a spring day that has a perfect breeze. Exposition is about to begin and I am waiting in anticipation for the Jesus Christ who is, who was and who will be to come. Fillipino nun is cool and prayful. She does various jobs on the altar, and is. Nothing will ever change the fact that I Love the Eucharist a lot and want to be with him body, sould and divinity in the Eucharist.

Second Day of Silence

Well I made in through yesterday without too much of going nuts. Last night I was in deep prayer with you. There were many questions that come out of my mind. One big question that just occured to me is, "Can I resist the habits of impurity in my habit". I denounce everything about ; the feeling; the act itself, the reason why I tried to see what it was all about. Nothing will keep me away from you. Why is the feeling so strong in me right now. I just want it to leave. Its because Im vulnerable and I know what to do that I want to do something with my hands. This sin has held me captive for so long. why does this sin reign in my body. Why has this sin held me captive for so long. I resist and denounce. Because its something out of the ordinary? Becaue it releases energy. Because I love working with my hands? Crochet and pray. I love praying and working with my hands for good. When a brain is idle thats when the devil can make one question everything he fully believes in. Including one who wants to be completely close to the Lord God Almighty. Who is. Who was and who will be to come.

Fifteen Minutes Before Mass

I started to read a book that I picked up during my retreat at the Sisters of St. Benedit in Ferdinand IN. The book is called Diversity of Vocations. It talked about finding Gods will and the rythmn of Gods voice. I am looking to find it. I want to be closer to the Lord. The woman in the book sait htat she was set on being a religious but waited till after she graduated but her vocation changed. I am kind of actually Im really scared that religious life is not my vocation. If its not then? What is my vocation? I seen myself becoming a sister. Then why am I afraid to ask the Lord if thats really what I am called to be or do. Am I called to be a sister. But if I am called to be a sister. Which order. The Sisters of Life. I want to experience this with my friends thats one reason why I would want to and would enjoy living in community. Where I am showing people Jesus and experience life.

After Mass

I miss silent and being with him and not worrying about anything except the Lord Jesus Christ and his will for my life. It would sadden me to think I would have to give up all this. This might be a reason I self gratificate myself. Its because Im missing the Lord in my life. So I think its time to figure out this food deal.

2:25

See Eucharist Story: The Eucharist at a deeer level

8:20

I have just taken a shower and I was afraid that I was going to cause my alarm to go off. But the shower was nice and I put some jeans on so I can wear my pants again tommorow. Greater things have yet to come, and greater things have to be done in the city. I wish I could share this retreat with my friends. My friends are spread throughout many of states which is all thanks to my discernment and theirs. I love sharing my life with others. I cant wait to share this retreat with my friends. I cant wait to share my life with others. I have the TV show "made" going through my head and I remember one of the girls saying, "I'll have new friendsd to share crazy moments with". I want to join religious life. Buty right now I have yearning to share my experience thus far with my friends. Is this indicative of a religious vocation? I want to share the good news of Jesus Christ with others.

Random statement: I had a moment of question or the devil making me question when he asked me, "Are you living out of a suitcase".

Part II: In him we live

We obtain all our energies from the Eucharist. The Eucharist is our strength and guide. When we are lost and cannot find our way Jesus will show you. Nothing can keep anyone from the Eucharist except for ourselves. The Eucharist draws us near to something pure and holy. Each time we sit in front of the Eucharist is different. But everything is new in Christ. Sometimes we just want to escape in the Eucharist. The Eucharist, the place to escape to where newness and wholeness remain. Our newness is created through JEsus Christ. The savior of the World. Everytime we look at the Eucharist wonder and awe, and the love of the Lord show us we can be set free from our sins. Sins will never hold us captive but the lord will hold us captive with his love. This love we see througout the gospels and throughout time. We see this love through the people we see, the relationships we make and the experiences that we carry. The love of the Eucharist will never die, The Eucharist says to us, Come to me all of you and I will give you rest. I yearn everyday for the passion of our Lord JEsus Christ who gave up his life so that we may have it. Love never ceases in the Eucharist. Our hearts will never grow weak when we have the Eucharist in our daily lives. I hungered and yearned for the Love of JEsus everyday until I found him in the Eucharist. The Eucharist is where I will stay. Nothing can tear me away from the Eucharist. Amazingness.!!! The gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John all have acounts of the Lords Last Supper. For example in Luke 22:14-21 we read, "When the hour came he took his place at table with the apostles he said to them. "I have eagerly desired to eat this passover with you before I suffer, for I tell you I shall not eat it (again) until there is fullfillment in the kingdom of God." Then he took a cup, gave thanks and said, "Take this and share it among yourself for I tell you (that) from this time I shall not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God calls". Then he took the break said the blessing and gave it to them sayings, " This is my body, which will be given up for you: Do this is memory of me. And Likewiss the cup after they had eaten saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood which will be shed for you". However in the time of Corinth the Last Supper was not being celebrated as it should. Paul, an apostle of Christ tells us of abuse of the Lords Suppper. He states, " First of all I hear that when you meet as a church there are divisions amoing you and to a degree I believe it... When you meet in one place then its not to eat the Lords Supper. For in eating each one goes aghead with his own supper and one goes hungry while another gets drunk. Do you have houses in which you eat or drink? or do you show contempt for the church of God and make those who have nothing feel ashamed. The Lords Suppper was intended for us. It was not intended for abuse. To think of abusing the Lords meal would be just plain wrong. AS we recieve the Eucharist we need and should examine ourselves body and soul. Paul contributes to that thought saying," A person should examine himself and so eat and drink the cup, for anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eat and drinks judgement on himself.

The Eucharist at a deeper Level PART 1

Ever since I heard FAther Jack talk about the Eucharist I have made connections about the Body of Christ, and I possibly had a few insights before the retreat but didnt put two and two together until I think possibly this moment. Ever since second grade I have been recieving the Eucharist. The first time I recieved the Eucharist was on the tounge and it tasted like an ice cream cone. But as I have grown the Eucharist means so much more to me. Growing up Altar Serving became a part of my life. Not until I went on the March for Life in 2008 did I realize the importance of being brought up a server. Being a server you are literally close to the Eucharist. I think thats as close as you can get without being the priest and without being in the tabernacle with JEsus. Seeing how my mother and father sat my brother, sister and I in the front I guess it was only natural for me to be close to Jesus. Being a server meant I was able to sit near the consecration, and hold the patens when people were recieving communion. I served many masses and confirmations. Confirmations made me feel like an important person because I was helping the bishop, the head of our diocese. The first confirmation I served I held the Bishops hat (or mitor). But I didnt realize that I was intimately close to the Eucharist when I talked to Father Joe on the march for life. I was telling him about my past volunteering with the Churcfh and I mentioned that I altar served for many of years. He then mentioned, :So you are close to the Eucharist". This would make sense because Im helping Jesus serve the Last supper by helping him prepare, cleanup and I would say serve it. But the Eucharistic ministers and the priest and eacons are the servers of the Eucharist. AFter I stopped serving is when I was kind of unsure of how to become close to the Eucharist. It was after FAther O'Connor made the comment that began to visit communities. When I saw the postulants and novives at the Daughters of St. Paul helping with mass. I though to myself, "They are serving mass". Ive also seen others such as the Sisters of Life preparing for mass and for such things as exposition and adoration. At the last retreat (my first) retreat with the Sisters of Life I built a huge strong relationship with our Lord and Savior. I learned to Let JEsus love me. That occured when we had a healing serive with the monstrance and the priest blessing you with Jesus (Amazing). Now today at 3:10 Everything seem to change when the Blessed Sacrament appeared in the chapel. When you see Jesus placed in front of everyone nothing else matters at that moment. When the monstrance was placed in the Altar the Altar and the church seem to be transformed into something wonderful and amazing. I want to see Jesus placed on the Altar every moment of my life. Its sad JEsus Died for us but what came out of it was beauty and his body in the Eucharist on display for the world to see.

O Master Jesus Way TRuth and Life Is this where you are calling me to be?

My first day of silence!!

Jan 3, 2008

So I made it to Villa Maria. Im so excited to be here but I cant tell anyone that except for the Lord Jesus Christ. Im going to be doing a lot of talking to the man upstairs. I am going ( Moy hopes and dreams for this extened silence week is to give everything I can to the Lord and give up the will I want for my life and let Jesus Christ who is Lord of everything show me his will.

Lord,

Help me to focus energy on my prayer , your love, forgiveness, your never ending grace, and most inportantly help me to completely and 100% open to vulnerability your will be done. Let it be done to me according to thy will. Help me to let go of what I have wanted for a long period of time. Because you might have something that will give me greater happiness. Never let me stray away from you who gives me grace, peace and love forever and always.

May the upcoming days be filled with your love and Grace


AFter Dinner at Villa Maria at 7:00

My mind is racing with so many questions of what to ask the Lord and why I am here. Is it the people? Do I feel this way becasue I am overtired? Is it because I havent given into sin since monday?

8:00

Why am I here? Why does this question plaque me so? Is it that I want to find you? I know that you are in the Eucharist and I keep coming to you with the questions of my life. Is that a sign or am I reading into everything too much. Why am I thinking about, "When do the others make silent retreats? I love the Sisters passion. But you cant see much in silence. You can see joy that they have for the Lord in their hearts. I need and want to be like them. The Daughters of St. Paul are lingering in my head. Waht is it about them that draw me towards them. The Salesians? Yes? I was drawn to the Salesians but I realized God was not callilng me towards them. I went to visit the Benedictines nuns of Emmitsburgh PA but that was to focus on prayer and become calmer in my interior. I went on a Byzantine Catholic pilgrimage and that was powerful. Micrcosm of prayer and tradition. Then I went to visit the Sisters of Life Nov-14-16 and it was a powerful experience. The Lord showed me his love on my birthday. Amazing Birthday Present. I also was drawn to the Sisters Joy and their passion for Jesus. I remember Sister Mary Gabriel telling me first I had to work on why I didnt understand why God loved me through all my sinfulness. So, I went to him, opened up, and let him love me. It was powerful. I was in a silent prayer day when he told me that. He loved me and I understood it. I want to enter into that again. I feel like this is a dream that Im sitting in front of JEsus Christ the Nazorean. I feel likes it a dream that through everything I have done JEsus Loves ME. O Soo cool. Whats next Lord? Why am I Here? To find that again That Passion for you? My Vocation? I will focus on one thing? To Let go and Let God. I do think too much Lord. Its like Theresa of Liesieux. Did she ever not trust in you?There isnt an ounce of my body that wants to go against you. No more!!! A snack?!! When I allow myself to be loved by you nothing else matters But you!!! There is so much in the world that I worry about but help me to take it one moment at a time and one day at a time. Why so I worry? No more worry? Each day for four you.

Well my wanting to be a Sisters of Life become stronger throughout the week.

Be Still and Know I am God!!

Is it you that wants me to ask or is it I who wants to ask!!

Silence Experience with the Lord

Between January 3-11 I attended a silent retreat at Villa Maria in Connecticut with the Sisters of Life. Ever since my first experience with the Sisters in November I wanted to visit again. After I graduated I wanted and needed to be silent with Jesus and listen to where he was calling me. Fortunately I found that The sisters of Life gave private and directed retreats throught the year and their was one that was coming up right after the new year. I almost was not able to go on the retreat. The day after New Years my mother and I were down with the flu. UP to the night of the retreat I was still feeling the flu. But the next morning I boarded a bus to connectict and I made it Stanford in one piece. The next coming blogs are my experience in Silence with the Lord Jesus Christ.

Did God have to write papers?

DID GOD EVER have to write a literature review??? NO!! Then why do I have to write one?? Cause apparently thats what college students have to do. I am doing the best I can on this paper. Its soo difficult, I can write papers on my life and relating to life. THIS IS HARD! BUIT IM IN THE PROCESS OF WRITING IT!!! AS im writing this paper so many things are going through my mind. ONE BIG QUESTION IS WILL I FAIL THIS CLASS??? Im sso scared to fail!! Ive have done my best and its not fair for students who have trouble taking tests. I have tried to understand wahts going on in the class. What is the deal Lord!! I am starting to understand this!! Will I ever have to write this when I am a Daughter???