Where does God want me to go?

Have you ever felt that Jesus was pulling you in many directions? Have you ever felt confused about your self and what inside your heart. Ever since the beginning of my junior I have been struggling with self gratification, and my sexuality. For a while I was really frustrating why I was attracted to woman and probably still I am but I havent really discussed that iwth anyone in a while except Christ. Becuse of my cofnusion with myself I was asked to go to counseling to have soeone basically help me to understand myself and to love myself. Well I started counseling at the beginning of the semester, I found a counselor on campus who I knew that was catholic and knew some of my friends. The first meeting it only took me a few mintues to become comfortable talking with her. At the first meeting I revealed a lot of my struggles with my sexuality, with me not loving myself becaue I sin and because I sinned I didnt think that Christ should love me. I told her I was also afraid to be vulnerable and give up everything to himm. The counseling was going well!1 One of the first activities she had me do was write all my negativity down on a ball to show myself how negative I was about myself. I also started an affirmation envelope which has quotes and varous of positive things in it. In therapy we also duscussed the attachment I had to one of my friends. Al ot of the time I talked about him and honestly wanted to be like him . I comapred myself a lot to him and I guess I thought I was attracted to him. During therapy my sexuality and self gratification was also brought up. as my therapy went on I started to decrease my self gratification and I told that to my counselor. She reacted with the response "Why". She went on to explain that was good way to embrace my sexuality was to "get to know myself". AS my therapy went on she also told me that I was hiding behind my faith. HOW AM I HIDING BEHIND it when Im going to my faith for answers and praying in front of JESUS for them. AFter that session I WAS ANNOYED. I was kind of glad she had two weeks off!!! In that two weeks the Sisters of Life were giving a weekend womans retreat. A while back I filled out a Vocation inquiry form to the sisters. Not to long after I recieved an emails saying they liked my responses and wanted to talk with me on the phone. Fora while we exchanged emails because of world youth day and school getting in the way. Fortuatnely a month before the retreat I had the coipportunity to talk with Sister Mary GAbriel the vocation director to the Sisters of Life. When I starting talking to her I immediately felt JESUS(which is crazy because I never knew JESUS Could use a phone). Anyways, I felt the need to be immediately open to her annd asked her about entering into the order with the feeligns of same sex attraction. I talked to her about my campus minister telling me about how to embrace my sexuality, and how the newman center is not very convervative and not very catholic at that. I told her I was not able to go to daily mass. She told me of a volunteer program in the city, the lamp ministries. She said they would be a good opportuhnity for me to be in the city, helping people, and learnign about myself in the process. After that little tidbit she shaid their was a womans retreat and she said that I should attend if I could get away from school. Fortuantely I found out I was able to attend the retreat. I would just miss a day of classes OH WELL!!!! :) Anways, the weekned of the fifteenth I arrived in Stanford Connecticut for the retreat. The first evening I started to get to know some of girls at a surface level. however we had silence next day. I was scared of silence because I still had doubts that God loved with all the sins of impurity. Throughtout the day being with JEsus was hard. All day I asked him questions and just talked. Fortunately later in the day at 4:40 I was able to speak with the vocation director Sister Mary Gabriel. Being an open person I told her I was frustrated about the day. i told her I was afraid to be vulnerable to Gods love and I didnt want to be in the place where he might deny me. She gave me advice to go in front of JEsus and open my heart up to him. She also mentioned to me I was like a television. MY mind is always running and its just not listening. She gave me encouragement and told me their was goign to be a healing mass in the evening and to pray hard to JESUS. After my meeting I felt at peace and I had courage in me that I could give it all to Jesus. We had evening prayer, and we could break the silence. At dinner I told someone it was my birthday. AFter that all the sisters sang happy birthday to me!! Quite cool!! After we had an hours so we played board games for a bit. Followed was a talk. The talk was powerful. But after the talk I was able to Confess my sins to my birthday present!!! I was able to see a Priest friend I have seen once before!!! I see Christ in him and he is a good confessor!!!! Then followed the healing service. When the healing mass happened it was powerful. I felt JESUS I SAW JESUS AND I LET JESUS IN!!!!! I didnt want to leave him because I knew it was safe in his arms. I felt rejuvenation with the feeling of love of JESUS CHIRST IN ME!!!! After the service I felt the Holy SPirit energized in me!!! Afterwards we had an opportunity for adoration all night. During the night with the suggestion of Sister G. I prostrated myself in front of JEsus was vulnerable. I NEED THAT and WANT ADORATION FOREVER. At times I go back and forth with what God wants me to do but I Know in MY HEART IT WILL BE THE SISTERS OF LIFE!! I just dont want to let of GO of the Daughters. But God has the Sisters of Life in store for me!! I honestly feel myself there!!!!