So one more day of my silent retreat. I am with so many emotions, Very sad I have to depart tommorow. If it Gods Will I will like to join the order if its a possibility. I really like it here. This place is amazing, here with Jesus the Nazorean. Tommorow leaving the Sisters will be slight of a problem. LOL. Im up a creek without a paddle. Lets see whats going to happen. Prayer is soon and I will leave it in the hands of God.
10:00
I found this meditation in a book by the priest that is saying here on retreat. Father Timothy M. Gallagher. Is Mary speaking to my heart? PRAYER TIME. The Virgin Mary is amazing. So as I was saying before I want to thank the Virgin Mary. One of the meditations in the book I did last night. As you call it Lectio!!!
If you would like the meditation I will type it later!!!!
12:30
Cardinal O'Connor who started the Sisters of Life in 1991. Amazingness. I met him. From reading his book what a down to earth man. He was willing ot help anyone and he was just a person. Didnt act like the raja of ponja in the fact that he was the head of something bigger. Never went to his head. I have such a calming presence in my heart. The sister that will be sitting at my table has been intriquing me for a few days. Something about her, maybe its the fact that one of the sisters in the Daughters named Sister Brigid and they look somewhat alike. Is that a sign or am I looking into to much again. The Lord has showed me the way to the Sisters of Life. Amazing.
6:30 Almost dinner
Waiting for the bell to ring. Why hasnt the bell rung yet? I need to talk the silence in me is depleting. Jesus Lord and Savior of hte world please give me the grace to make it through the last few hourse of silence. My patience is depleting in me. O Lord God grant me patience and give it to me now. The Blessed Virgin Mary, all the angels and saints, please help me to keep silent and only to talk and give the joys of my heart to the Lord. My God and my savior. I feel the last few hours are the hardest. I give you my vocation Lord if you leave my heart at ease the the Sisters of Life. I love it. It feels like its been a minute. O anguish please diminish my soul. The silence Ive made it just about through. Lord I give you my impatience and my struggle to keep silent this evening.
YOUR GRACE IS ENOUGH!! GOD IN THE CITY!!!!
10:30
The last night of my silence is upon me. Thank the Lord God Almighty. This retreats proves two things; I can be silent and I willing to be open to listen to Gods call. Nothing can tear me away fro the Sisters of Life. AS long as I dont have to be silent again for a while ITS GOOD!! Tommorow mass at 7:00. Marvelosity of Latin, and English with Father Gallagher saying mass very cool indeed. Now what would be amazing to end this trip would be to see Sister G. If not thats ok. I will pray for her in the morning and during mass. Good night God Bless and hope this journey has brought you closer to Jesus Christ.
Monday, January 26, 2009
8th day of silence!!!
Friday 12:10
I found Love of JEsus Christ during mass once again today. I was focused, I listened an felt the presence of JEsus Christ. Mass solitifies that I was to be a Sister of Life if it is the will of God. The Eucharist is the power and Glory.
2:40
I dont want daily mass and prayer to end with the sisters. I want to do this for the rest of my life. I cant loose the Eucharist. A sister with two bottles of wine now thats a good time. I cant leave Jesus. I want to be with him. In a matter of speaking I will be in 15 minutes. When the exposition of the blessed sacrament begins. Thats where it all begins. Jesus. Jesus is at the core of my soul.
3:45
After time with the Lord in Adoration
Why did I almost fall asleep. My mind was going every which way. Why? First it was a classmates mother passing away of cancer when I was in middle school, staying at the benedictines in PA, the german girl, and thinking about where she was going to stay, staying with Sister G. at chantel(never happened). Does these have to do with my vocation. At the moments of pure joy for the Sisters I have made a decision bus it it a retreat high. Its silent. How can that be a retreat "high".
Speak Now for your servant is listening
Why was my energy drained in the Eucharist
9:20
The Lord spoke during my intense rosary. He said give it up for my sake. The Daughters of St. Paul. I have a feeling it does. If I give up the prospect of becoming a Dauughter God must have something deeper in store for me.
I found Love of JEsus Christ during mass once again today. I was focused, I listened an felt the presence of JEsus Christ. Mass solitifies that I was to be a Sister of Life if it is the will of God. The Eucharist is the power and Glory.
2:40
I dont want daily mass and prayer to end with the sisters. I want to do this for the rest of my life. I cant loose the Eucharist. A sister with two bottles of wine now thats a good time. I cant leave Jesus. I want to be with him. In a matter of speaking I will be in 15 minutes. When the exposition of the blessed sacrament begins. Thats where it all begins. Jesus. Jesus is at the core of my soul.
3:45
After time with the Lord in Adoration
Why did I almost fall asleep. My mind was going every which way. Why? First it was a classmates mother passing away of cancer when I was in middle school, staying at the benedictines in PA, the german girl, and thinking about where she was going to stay, staying with Sister G. at chantel(never happened). Does these have to do with my vocation. At the moments of pure joy for the Sisters I have made a decision bus it it a retreat high. Its silent. How can that be a retreat "high".
Speak Now for your servant is listening
Why was my energy drained in the Eucharist
9:20
The Lord spoke during my intense rosary. He said give it up for my sake. The Daughters of St. Paul. I have a feeling it does. If I give up the prospect of becoming a Dauughter God must have something deeper in store for me.
Seventh day of silence
Sexuality is beautiful because it has been given to me by God. But at times we are tempted by the Devil from below. In times of temptation we say.
This is a woman (man) made in the image and likeness of God, never to be looked upon as an object for my gratification. Lord Jesus grant me the grace to see the image of your glory in the beauty of this (man) and order my sexual desires toward the truth of love. I renounce any tendency within me to use others for my own pleasure and I unite my suffering with yours on the cross
AMEN
4:00
Thelogy of the body is insanely huge. That God for the amazing man by the name of Christopher West. Sitting in adoration I have come to know that my sexuality is beautiful beause it was created by Christ. That is the coolest thing ever. I am loved by Jesus Christ. Becasue he created me in his likeness and image. Im stting here drinking a banana smoothie. Jesus is amazing. I want to say yes. Still cant get used to the noises. I fee like Jack on the titanic when he was at dinner in first class eating and drinking champagne with the fine people. There is a walking a ladder in the window.
4:50
See eucharist at a deeper level!
This is a woman (man) made in the image and likeness of God, never to be looked upon as an object for my gratification. Lord Jesus grant me the grace to see the image of your glory in the beauty of this (man) and order my sexual desires toward the truth of love. I renounce any tendency within me to use others for my own pleasure and I unite my suffering with yours on the cross
AMEN
4:00
Thelogy of the body is insanely huge. That God for the amazing man by the name of Christopher West. Sitting in adoration I have come to know that my sexuality is beautiful beause it was created by Christ. That is the coolest thing ever. I am loved by Jesus Christ. Becasue he created me in his likeness and image. Im stting here drinking a banana smoothie. Jesus is amazing. I want to say yes. Still cant get used to the noises. I fee like Jack on the titanic when he was at dinner in first class eating and drinking champagne with the fine people. There is a walking a ladder in the window.
4:50
See eucharist at a deeper level!
The sixth day continued
5:00
Me thinking that Im a postulant keeps coming up when I enter into prayer. Also me thinking about my hair and cutting it when they cut my hair for their veils. I wont be able to color it after but I dont know if I want to anymore. Also, me thinking about me weaning myself off the computer and television seeing how I will probably be using them very little when I enter. There will be no time for mindless television. Giving up worldly thinkgs will be for the Glory of God the Father. During pray I thought about doing everything in my habit which includes basketball. It think it will be fun to play b-ball in my habit. Hey I played basketball in my first communion dress (Must have been an omen). I remember my sisters godmother getting really upset and I think I also got punch on it. But thats besides the point. No more soup. Im ok now. Just had ot get that out there. Everyday soup soup soup soup soup. Its amused me because I basically ate campbells soups when I went to community college. But this soup is soo much better. Except for lentel soup. Im not sure.. Strange thought: Me, a bunch of sisters with a dioly on my head. Ok Ive handled silence for a long period of time. I need to focus on prayer. First potty.
9:15
Tommorw I will have confession with Father Paul Check. If he is the priest I think he is the one who is continuing Paul Harveys apostolate which means this confession will be filled with vulnerability. God will give me courage and strength. Earlier I was thinking hard on my confession. Then saying the rosary was a feeling I was given from the Virgin Mary to say to be comforted, saying the rosary is a blessing. Tommorow is my confesssion and all will be given to the Lord.
Bless Me father for I have sinned
BETWEEN ME AND JESUS!!!
YOUR GRACE IS ENOUGH
Me thinking that Im a postulant keeps coming up when I enter into prayer. Also me thinking about my hair and cutting it when they cut my hair for their veils. I wont be able to color it after but I dont know if I want to anymore. Also, me thinking about me weaning myself off the computer and television seeing how I will probably be using them very little when I enter. There will be no time for mindless television. Giving up worldly thinkgs will be for the Glory of God the Father. During pray I thought about doing everything in my habit which includes basketball. It think it will be fun to play b-ball in my habit. Hey I played basketball in my first communion dress (Must have been an omen). I remember my sisters godmother getting really upset and I think I also got punch on it. But thats besides the point. No more soup. Im ok now. Just had ot get that out there. Everyday soup soup soup soup soup. Its amused me because I basically ate campbells soups when I went to community college. But this soup is soo much better. Except for lentel soup. Im not sure.. Strange thought: Me, a bunch of sisters with a dioly on my head. Ok Ive handled silence for a long period of time. I need to focus on prayer. First potty.
9:15
Tommorw I will have confession with Father Paul Check. If he is the priest I think he is the one who is continuing Paul Harveys apostolate which means this confession will be filled with vulnerability. God will give me courage and strength. Earlier I was thinking hard on my confession. Then saying the rosary was a feeling I was given from the Virgin Mary to say to be comforted, saying the rosary is a blessing. Tommorow is my confesssion and all will be given to the Lord.
Bless Me father for I have sinned
BETWEEN ME AND JESUS!!!
YOUR GRACE IS ENOUGH
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Sixth Day
10:50
What was the purpose for feelig way I did. What was the purpose of commiting those nasty sins? Because it brought me to the hear and now. God grant me peace to never do it again.
2:50
Jesus is going to be pleaced in the center of the altar for the world to see. Jesus Christ is all I need. Tommorow I will talk to him in confession through Father Paul Check, and he helping in courage, main apostolate dealing with same sex attraction. I have so much more peace aout myself than when I first questioned it. The Lord loves me. Its amazing. They just turned the lights on in the chapel and pow the Lord comes alive. Live in the moment of Jesus Christ. I cannot be torn about from my God. He may not be a movie star but when it comes to being happy we are
3:20
During adoration I heard a bird outside and it made me thinkg of the bird that landed in the crown of Jesus when was dying on the cross. Adoration or Exposition is beautiful. AFter I left I thought about my confession. What do I do about confessing? Ive only in my heart told Jesus everything. Now to a priest in confession.
Bless me father for I have sinned
(BETWEEN ME AND JESUS CHRIST)
4:20
As I am looking back on my journal entries form the past few days. I have grown so much in my prayer and in the increase in the trust that Maria Faustina had for Jesus Christ
5:00
TBC!!
What was the purpose for feelig way I did. What was the purpose of commiting those nasty sins? Because it brought me to the hear and now. God grant me peace to never do it again.
2:50
Jesus is going to be pleaced in the center of the altar for the world to see. Jesus Christ is all I need. Tommorow I will talk to him in confession through Father Paul Check, and he helping in courage, main apostolate dealing with same sex attraction. I have so much more peace aout myself than when I first questioned it. The Lord loves me. Its amazing. They just turned the lights on in the chapel and pow the Lord comes alive. Live in the moment of Jesus Christ. I cannot be torn about from my God. He may not be a movie star but when it comes to being happy we are
3:20
During adoration I heard a bird outside and it made me thinkg of the bird that landed in the crown of Jesus when was dying on the cross. Adoration or Exposition is beautiful. AFter I left I thought about my confession. What do I do about confessing? Ive only in my heart told Jesus everything. Now to a priest in confession.
Bless me father for I have sinned
(BETWEEN ME AND JESUS CHRIST)
4:20
As I am looking back on my journal entries form the past few days. I have grown so much in my prayer and in the increase in the trust that Maria Faustina had for Jesus Christ
5:00
TBC!!
Fifth day of silence
I woke up with a funny feeling within me today. last night I dreamt of priest and nuns. One of the priests I met at a byzantine catholic pigrtimage was saying mass for us, My father did not approve so Father Jack was comforting me. For some reason he said mass, I dressed, had some problems doing that because I apparently forot where some of the robes were. So after the mass he was holding me and letting me cry because my father doenst think that Byzantine Catholic is Catholic. So I was sad in my dream. But after I saw Father Jack, I saw Father Joe O'Connor my vocation director of my diocese showed up. Then I woke up. I really didnt understand why I dreamt about Byzantine style last night. Last night before I went to bed I kept thinking my room was haunted. I am not used to the noise the heater makes or the wind outside. Since this is an od house many strange noises occur. The hallway reminds me of a horror movie and it was mostly quiet. It feels like Im the only one here. I feel at home in this room. I have my own bed, desk, and time (place) for meditation. This is the life I am almost surely positive I want to lead. I know this is a retreat and the times of prayer, meditation, and what not will change. But seeing the joy in the sisters and I know they balance work, pleasure and prayer. I want to shout out to the world the the Glory of God the Father I want to be a Sister of Life. Now I know with all new adventures comes some trials but Im willing to face them with Jesus Christ by my side and the Virgin Mary. Even in silence I just want to be tell someone I want to join the order. During my silent meditative prayer I thought of Touched by an Angel episode "The 151 psalm". Wynonna Judd plays a mother of a boy who had a terminable illness. She iss... just broke the silence with Father. It was nice to talk and tell someone that I am drawn to the community. I know some practical things such as this is not a retreat and the real living will change. The Lord is so good to me. He is amaing how much joy he has put into my heart, I dont ever what it to change. The feeling of the Lord is in my heart. I have a weird feeling in my heart God is calling me here or it could be the banana I just ate (LOL). More prayer, patience, and perserverance. Now the priest just gave me some scripture passages which talk about people being called.
The scriptures include"
Genesis 12:1-5
I Samuel 3 1-14
MK 10: 17-22
Philippians 4:8-13
The scriptures include"
Genesis 12:1-5
I Samuel 3 1-14
MK 10: 17-22
Philippians 4:8-13
Monday, January 19, 2009
Fourth Day of Silence
10:50
Throughout morning prayer my mind kept thinking of my vocation to the religious life. My mind kept going back to this order: The Sisters of Life. When I pray I kept thinking about me as a postulant. Being a postulant would be amazing and cool. I think habits are so beautiful. Its amazing. Its a cool sign from Jesus. Habits look like a pillow case on the head. But in honesty I would love to done the clothes of a novice then wear the habit and be a sign for the world to see that I Candice Barbara Wilcox am a sign from God. A Sister. Trusting in the Lord is my struggle right now. In my prayer is difficult for me to completely and full fledged say yes to the Lord. one reason is that I dont know where God is calling me. Some days in my silence thus far Ive though that Jesus wants me to become a sister a sign of Christ for the world to see. I want to be like Sister Maria Faustina trusting that everything will be fine. When I put it in the hands of God. When I let Christ Love me it was the most amazing feeling in the world. Now this is where I feel like Maria Faustina, in the fact that I feel somewhat of a disconnect at the moment. When I attend mass and before I will pray to Jesus for clarity and less confusion in my mind and heart.
3:35 After Exposition
The Lord Jesus Christ came out at 3:00 in the afternoon. I have begun to read "The diary of Maria Faustina and Im learning thatI have some things in common. When Sister felt many torments and temptations she didnt where God was in all that. Its exactly like my junior year of college and on when I when I began to struggle with the feelings of confusion about my sexuality and the act of self-gratification. I didnt feel close to God. When I told Sisters and Priests about my struggles they kept trying to reiterate to me over and over that God Loved me. But because of my sins were against purity I felt that Jesus was against me and he didnt love me through my sinfulness. Such like Sister Maria Faustina I stuck to prayer for comfort and peace. A priest told sister that "this is a sign" he told me "that God loves you very much and that he has great confidence in since he is sending you these trials. There are times when I want to pray throwing everything at Jesus and question all he gave me. These struggles? For what purpose? but to no avail for a long time I found no peace within. It wasnt until I came to the Sisters of Life that I found that peace. I FOUND JESUS HERE!! Jesus Lead me to the various people I have met.
Do what you will of me O JESUS.
I will adore you in everything
May your will be done in me.
O my lord and my God and I will praise your infinite mercy
(page 40 of The Daries of Sister Maria Faustina)
Throughout morning prayer my mind kept thinking of my vocation to the religious life. My mind kept going back to this order: The Sisters of Life. When I pray I kept thinking about me as a postulant. Being a postulant would be amazing and cool. I think habits are so beautiful. Its amazing. Its a cool sign from Jesus. Habits look like a pillow case on the head. But in honesty I would love to done the clothes of a novice then wear the habit and be a sign for the world to see that I Candice Barbara Wilcox am a sign from God. A Sister. Trusting in the Lord is my struggle right now. In my prayer is difficult for me to completely and full fledged say yes to the Lord. one reason is that I dont know where God is calling me. Some days in my silence thus far Ive though that Jesus wants me to become a sister a sign of Christ for the world to see. I want to be like Sister Maria Faustina trusting that everything will be fine. When I put it in the hands of God. When I let Christ Love me it was the most amazing feeling in the world. Now this is where I feel like Maria Faustina, in the fact that I feel somewhat of a disconnect at the moment. When I attend mass and before I will pray to Jesus for clarity and less confusion in my mind and heart.
3:35 After Exposition
The Lord Jesus Christ came out at 3:00 in the afternoon. I have begun to read "The diary of Maria Faustina and Im learning thatI have some things in common. When Sister felt many torments and temptations she didnt where God was in all that. Its exactly like my junior year of college and on when I when I began to struggle with the feelings of confusion about my sexuality and the act of self-gratification. I didnt feel close to God. When I told Sisters and Priests about my struggles they kept trying to reiterate to me over and over that God Loved me. But because of my sins were against purity I felt that Jesus was against me and he didnt love me through my sinfulness. Such like Sister Maria Faustina I stuck to prayer for comfort and peace. A priest told sister that "this is a sign" he told me "that God loves you very much and that he has great confidence in since he is sending you these trials. There are times when I want to pray throwing everything at Jesus and question all he gave me. These struggles? For what purpose? but to no avail for a long time I found no peace within. It wasnt until I came to the Sisters of Life that I found that peace. I FOUND JESUS HERE!! Jesus Lead me to the various people I have met.
Do what you will of me O JESUS.
I will adore you in everything
May your will be done in me.
O my lord and my God and I will praise your infinite mercy
(page 40 of The Daries of Sister Maria Faustina)
Sunday, January 18, 2009
3rd Day part 2
5:00
After exposition I decided to take a look around the surrounding neighborhood. Well that was sort of a not great idea. Why? Because I have the directional skill of a priest I know. :). I looked for a star, but no start led me in the right direction. I guess you could say the barking dog, Big Giant St. Bernard. I intended my walk to only be a little while around the block but I ended up going from around 3:30-4:30. After having the flu walking in the cold not the best idea. So I am anticipatingf the Lord in evening prayer, then dinner cause its always yummy. I was thinking earlier about my discernment. I have looked at religious orders and discerned by talking to people including layity, and religious especially the Daughters of St. Paul. Is that what Iyou really mean Lord? Am I drawn to them mainly because of the people or is there something deeper there. I cant let go of the Daughters but the Sisters of Life I feel a calling to them also. Not very many minutes ago I was thinking of the salesians. But Im positive that God is not calling me to them . Each order had their reason of why I went to visit them. One reason I went to visit the Daughters was because of their dedication to spreading Gods word through the media especially their music. Then I went to visit the Sisters of St. Benedict in Ferdinand Indiana becase they too also spred the Love of Jesus through music mainly through Cd's and various liturgies.
6:15 AFter evening, adoration and Incense.
I know I just want to be with Jesus. But why does incense have to be used. I know that it helps lift our prayers to the Lord. But it drives my sinuses crazy. Why cant incense smell of fruit. Fruit smells good. What is the smell of incense anway. Something not of fruit thats for sure. The weather is also messing with my sinuses. It gets cold, then warm. Goodness. Why do I have some moments of clarity and other moments of unsureness. I want this but do you want this for me. I guess one is always discerning the will of God. one can never stop looking for Jesus. Jesus is present Body, Soul and Divinity. O Lords YEA ITs time for dinner. I need food, sinus medicine, the sleep
6:37
DINNER
6:45
Taking a break from journaling for the evening or for the mean time and resting the brain.
9:10
I just ate an orange that the Sisters of Life handed out. It tasted quite juicy. I love the Sisters of Life very much. What is making me wonder why this may or may not be the Vocation God has set for me. I jut want to do yiour will and nothing else. But what that will is seems to be a bit of question. The Sisters of Life are dedicated to defending life through all their works. The sisters too (the daughters) All catholic dedicate their lives to defending life (some catholics). Both evangelize. amazing charism. The music that was used during adoration was amazing. Being a young person I can relate to the music and see the Glory of God through it. I found Gods Love here, which is the most amazing gift ever. Is its the devils confusion or is it maybe that I need to possibly stop discerning this way. I wanted to join the lamp ministries but because Im not old enough and unfamiliar with the city, I was rejected. God has something in store and I know it will be amazing. But what that is I am unsure. Your will is tending to be quite confusing. Why is this so? Am I asking you the Right questions Lord. Should I ask you where you want me to go next not where do you want me to go forever. The Lord called me here. But I CANT THROW THE IDEA AWAY. When I try to stop thinking about it the thoughts keep coming back. I want to rest in your peace Lord but at times I lay in my bed my mind reaces and it keeps questioning my vocation. I need to completely rest in the fact that the Lord will take care of everything when I sleep.
Proctect us Lord as we stay Awake
Watch over us as we sleep
That Awake we make keep watch with Christ
And asleep rest in his peace.
The Lord Loves protects me and keeps me safe forever .
AMEN~~
After exposition I decided to take a look around the surrounding neighborhood. Well that was sort of a not great idea. Why? Because I have the directional skill of a priest I know. :). I looked for a star, but no start led me in the right direction. I guess you could say the barking dog, Big Giant St. Bernard. I intended my walk to only be a little while around the block but I ended up going from around 3:30-4:30. After having the flu walking in the cold not the best idea. So I am anticipatingf the Lord in evening prayer, then dinner cause its always yummy. I was thinking earlier about my discernment. I have looked at religious orders and discerned by talking to people including layity, and religious especially the Daughters of St. Paul. Is that what Iyou really mean Lord? Am I drawn to them mainly because of the people or is there something deeper there. I cant let go of the Daughters but the Sisters of Life I feel a calling to them also. Not very many minutes ago I was thinking of the salesians. But Im positive that God is not calling me to them . Each order had their reason of why I went to visit them. One reason I went to visit the Daughters was because of their dedication to spreading Gods word through the media especially their music. Then I went to visit the Sisters of St. Benedict in Ferdinand Indiana becase they too also spred the Love of Jesus through music mainly through Cd's and various liturgies.
6:15 AFter evening, adoration and Incense.
I know I just want to be with Jesus. But why does incense have to be used. I know that it helps lift our prayers to the Lord. But it drives my sinuses crazy. Why cant incense smell of fruit. Fruit smells good. What is the smell of incense anway. Something not of fruit thats for sure. The weather is also messing with my sinuses. It gets cold, then warm. Goodness. Why do I have some moments of clarity and other moments of unsureness. I want this but do you want this for me. I guess one is always discerning the will of God. one can never stop looking for Jesus. Jesus is present Body, Soul and Divinity. O Lords YEA ITs time for dinner. I need food, sinus medicine, the sleep
6:37
DINNER
6:45
Taking a break from journaling for the evening or for the mean time and resting the brain.
9:10
I just ate an orange that the Sisters of Life handed out. It tasted quite juicy. I love the Sisters of Life very much. What is making me wonder why this may or may not be the Vocation God has set for me. I jut want to do yiour will and nothing else. But what that will is seems to be a bit of question. The Sisters of Life are dedicated to defending life through all their works. The sisters too (the daughters) All catholic dedicate their lives to defending life (some catholics). Both evangelize. amazing charism. The music that was used during adoration was amazing. Being a young person I can relate to the music and see the Glory of God through it. I found Gods Love here, which is the most amazing gift ever. Is its the devils confusion or is it maybe that I need to possibly stop discerning this way. I wanted to join the lamp ministries but because Im not old enough and unfamiliar with the city, I was rejected. God has something in store and I know it will be amazing. But what that is I am unsure. Your will is tending to be quite confusing. Why is this so? Am I asking you the Right questions Lord. Should I ask you where you want me to go next not where do you want me to go forever. The Lord called me here. But I CANT THROW THE IDEA AWAY. When I try to stop thinking about it the thoughts keep coming back. I want to rest in your peace Lord but at times I lay in my bed my mind reaces and it keeps questioning my vocation. I need to completely rest in the fact that the Lord will take care of everything when I sleep.
Proctect us Lord as we stay Awake
Watch over us as we sleep
That Awake we make keep watch with Christ
And asleep rest in his peace.
The Lord Loves protects me and keeps me safe forever .
AMEN~~
3rd day of silence Part 1
I kept waking up thinking I was not going wake up. My mind was racing late last night. Late being defined as late for staying up in a convent. At night it seems its when I have the hardest time staying silent. By 9:00 Im like "What do I do now" then my mind starts racing. I need to give myself a pattern of getting up and going to be at a certain time. It kind of drives me nutns that mass it at a certain time. (late that that is). Thats a retreat I guess. Buts its very interesting interesting to walk into the refrectory to find no one eating breakfast at 8:00 in the morning..but a sister just walked in so I dont feel all alone. But the room that I am in one the second floor scares me. Its down a long hallway and its freakishly quiet and Im not used to the sounds the building makes or the green flash on the smoke detector. But Ive only been here since Saturday and its Monday. Be right back have to go get more tissues. Ok Im back. Its so silent in here, you can here the birds singing ouside and you can smell the incense from the day before. When Just went into my hallway it smelled of ham or something new. Everytime I pray I will ask you the same question: Is this where you are calling me? I want to hear the rythmn of your voice. I want to here you want me. Im going to talk to the Lord. Ill write more after morning prayer.
15 minutes before mass
The song all I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you...It still smells like incense
After Mass 12:10
Did I miss something or they didnt open the tabernacle during mass. I am enthralled my Sister Emanuelle (forgive spelling) voice. Her voice is a gift from God. From some reason I think she is from Austria. But anyways, My Love for Jesus is soing stroing and I want to serve him. Everything about the sisters makes me happy. I feel I am called to be here. Please say it is so Jesus christ. Thus for I had more momemts of excitement of being with Christ than not. There have been moments of confusion of what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I want to keep you in my heart forever Lord. Will their be times of spiritual drynes. Sure. Every saint goes through that. Earlier before mass I was thinking about my postulancy but I had another thought but I cant think of what it is exactly. Why does the thought of the daughters come into my head. Perhaps their is a connection between FAther Alberione and Sister Maria Faustina.
1:30
When I was younger I was afraid to try new thing because I was afraid of what people might think. At times that still reigns in my memory but it doenst matter when its me and the Lord. I am not afraid to Follow the Will of God. I am not afraid to hear what people have to think about what I am going to do with the rest of my life.
2:45
I am excited to see the Blessed Sacrament come out and put in the monstrance for the world to see. I see Jesus and it makes me extremely happy to know that our Lord and Savior will never leave me. Why am I worried no one will show up. I want the world to see that Jesus christ is Lord. I want to preach it to the hills that the Glory of God reigns forever more. The lord giveth and the Lord taketh away blessed be the Lord. Its amazing the Lord is present in the Eucharist. Oh Jesus how I Love thee better than a spring day that has a perfect breeze. Exposition is about to begin and I am waiting in anticipation for the Jesus Christ who is, who was and who will be to come. Fillipino nun is cool and prayful. She does various jobs on the altar, and is. Nothing will ever change the fact that I Love the Eucharist a lot and want to be with him body, sould and divinity in the Eucharist.
15 minutes before mass
The song all I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you...It still smells like incense
After Mass 12:10
Did I miss something or they didnt open the tabernacle during mass. I am enthralled my Sister Emanuelle (forgive spelling) voice. Her voice is a gift from God. From some reason I think she is from Austria. But anyways, My Love for Jesus is soing stroing and I want to serve him. Everything about the sisters makes me happy. I feel I am called to be here. Please say it is so Jesus christ. Thus for I had more momemts of excitement of being with Christ than not. There have been moments of confusion of what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I want to keep you in my heart forever Lord. Will their be times of spiritual drynes. Sure. Every saint goes through that. Earlier before mass I was thinking about my postulancy but I had another thought but I cant think of what it is exactly. Why does the thought of the daughters come into my head. Perhaps their is a connection between FAther Alberione and Sister Maria Faustina.
1:30
When I was younger I was afraid to try new thing because I was afraid of what people might think. At times that still reigns in my memory but it doenst matter when its me and the Lord. I am not afraid to Follow the Will of God. I am not afraid to hear what people have to think about what I am going to do with the rest of my life.
2:45
I am excited to see the Blessed Sacrament come out and put in the monstrance for the world to see. I see Jesus and it makes me extremely happy to know that our Lord and Savior will never leave me. Why am I worried no one will show up. I want the world to see that Jesus christ is Lord. I want to preach it to the hills that the Glory of God reigns forever more. The lord giveth and the Lord taketh away blessed be the Lord. Its amazing the Lord is present in the Eucharist. Oh Jesus how I Love thee better than a spring day that has a perfect breeze. Exposition is about to begin and I am waiting in anticipation for the Jesus Christ who is, who was and who will be to come. Fillipino nun is cool and prayful. She does various jobs on the altar, and is. Nothing will ever change the fact that I Love the Eucharist a lot and want to be with him body, sould and divinity in the Eucharist.
Second Day of Silence
Well I made in through yesterday without too much of going nuts. Last night I was in deep prayer with you. There were many questions that come out of my mind. One big question that just occured to me is, "Can I resist the habits of impurity in my habit". I denounce everything about ; the feeling; the act itself, the reason why I tried to see what it was all about. Nothing will keep me away from you. Why is the feeling so strong in me right now. I just want it to leave. Its because Im vulnerable and I know what to do that I want to do something with my hands. This sin has held me captive for so long. why does this sin reign in my body. Why has this sin held me captive for so long. I resist and denounce. Because its something out of the ordinary? Becaue it releases energy. Because I love working with my hands? Crochet and pray. I love praying and working with my hands for good. When a brain is idle thats when the devil can make one question everything he fully believes in. Including one who wants to be completely close to the Lord God Almighty. Who is. Who was and who will be to come.
Fifteen Minutes Before Mass
I started to read a book that I picked up during my retreat at the Sisters of St. Benedit in Ferdinand IN. The book is called Diversity of Vocations. It talked about finding Gods will and the rythmn of Gods voice. I am looking to find it. I want to be closer to the Lord. The woman in the book sait htat she was set on being a religious but waited till after she graduated but her vocation changed. I am kind of actually Im really scared that religious life is not my vocation. If its not then? What is my vocation? I seen myself becoming a sister. Then why am I afraid to ask the Lord if thats really what I am called to be or do. Am I called to be a sister. But if I am called to be a sister. Which order. The Sisters of Life. I want to experience this with my friends thats one reason why I would want to and would enjoy living in community. Where I am showing people Jesus and experience life.
After Mass
I miss silent and being with him and not worrying about anything except the Lord Jesus Christ and his will for my life. It would sadden me to think I would have to give up all this. This might be a reason I self gratificate myself. Its because Im missing the Lord in my life. So I think its time to figure out this food deal.
2:25
See Eucharist Story: The Eucharist at a deeer level
8:20
I have just taken a shower and I was afraid that I was going to cause my alarm to go off. But the shower was nice and I put some jeans on so I can wear my pants again tommorow. Greater things have yet to come, and greater things have to be done in the city. I wish I could share this retreat with my friends. My friends are spread throughout many of states which is all thanks to my discernment and theirs. I love sharing my life with others. I cant wait to share this retreat with my friends. I cant wait to share my life with others. I have the TV show "made" going through my head and I remember one of the girls saying, "I'll have new friendsd to share crazy moments with". I want to join religious life. Buty right now I have yearning to share my experience thus far with my friends. Is this indicative of a religious vocation? I want to share the good news of Jesus Christ with others.
Random statement: I had a moment of question or the devil making me question when he asked me, "Are you living out of a suitcase".
Fifteen Minutes Before Mass
I started to read a book that I picked up during my retreat at the Sisters of St. Benedit in Ferdinand IN. The book is called Diversity of Vocations. It talked about finding Gods will and the rythmn of Gods voice. I am looking to find it. I want to be closer to the Lord. The woman in the book sait htat she was set on being a religious but waited till after she graduated but her vocation changed. I am kind of actually Im really scared that religious life is not my vocation. If its not then? What is my vocation? I seen myself becoming a sister. Then why am I afraid to ask the Lord if thats really what I am called to be or do. Am I called to be a sister. But if I am called to be a sister. Which order. The Sisters of Life. I want to experience this with my friends thats one reason why I would want to and would enjoy living in community. Where I am showing people Jesus and experience life.
After Mass
I miss silent and being with him and not worrying about anything except the Lord Jesus Christ and his will for my life. It would sadden me to think I would have to give up all this. This might be a reason I self gratificate myself. Its because Im missing the Lord in my life. So I think its time to figure out this food deal.
2:25
See Eucharist Story: The Eucharist at a deeer level
8:20
I have just taken a shower and I was afraid that I was going to cause my alarm to go off. But the shower was nice and I put some jeans on so I can wear my pants again tommorow. Greater things have yet to come, and greater things have to be done in the city. I wish I could share this retreat with my friends. My friends are spread throughout many of states which is all thanks to my discernment and theirs. I love sharing my life with others. I cant wait to share this retreat with my friends. I cant wait to share my life with others. I have the TV show "made" going through my head and I remember one of the girls saying, "I'll have new friendsd to share crazy moments with". I want to join religious life. Buty right now I have yearning to share my experience thus far with my friends. Is this indicative of a religious vocation? I want to share the good news of Jesus Christ with others.
Random statement: I had a moment of question or the devil making me question when he asked me, "Are you living out of a suitcase".
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Part II: In him we live
We obtain all our energies from the Eucharist. The Eucharist is our strength and guide. When we are lost and cannot find our way Jesus will show you. Nothing can keep anyone from the Eucharist except for ourselves. The Eucharist draws us near to something pure and holy. Each time we sit in front of the Eucharist is different. But everything is new in Christ. Sometimes we just want to escape in the Eucharist. The Eucharist, the place to escape to where newness and wholeness remain. Our newness is created through JEsus Christ. The savior of the World. Everytime we look at the Eucharist wonder and awe, and the love of the Lord show us we can be set free from our sins. Sins will never hold us captive but the lord will hold us captive with his love. This love we see througout the gospels and throughout time. We see this love through the people we see, the relationships we make and the experiences that we carry. The love of the Eucharist will never die, The Eucharist says to us, Come to me all of you and I will give you rest. I yearn everyday for the passion of our Lord JEsus Christ who gave up his life so that we may have it. Love never ceases in the Eucharist. Our hearts will never grow weak when we have the Eucharist in our daily lives. I hungered and yearned for the Love of JEsus everyday until I found him in the Eucharist. The Eucharist is where I will stay. Nothing can tear me away from the Eucharist. Amazingness.!!! The gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John all have acounts of the Lords Last Supper. For example in Luke 22:14-21 we read, "When the hour came he took his place at table with the apostles he said to them. "I have eagerly desired to eat this passover with you before I suffer, for I tell you I shall not eat it (again) until there is fullfillment in the kingdom of God." Then he took a cup, gave thanks and said, "Take this and share it among yourself for I tell you (that) from this time I shall not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God calls". Then he took the break said the blessing and gave it to them sayings, " This is my body, which will be given up for you: Do this is memory of me. And Likewiss the cup after they had eaten saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood which will be shed for you". However in the time of Corinth the Last Supper was not being celebrated as it should. Paul, an apostle of Christ tells us of abuse of the Lords Suppper. He states, " First of all I hear that when you meet as a church there are divisions amoing you and to a degree I believe it... When you meet in one place then its not to eat the Lords Supper. For in eating each one goes aghead with his own supper and one goes hungry while another gets drunk. Do you have houses in which you eat or drink? or do you show contempt for the church of God and make those who have nothing feel ashamed. The Lords Suppper was intended for us. It was not intended for abuse. To think of abusing the Lords meal would be just plain wrong. AS we recieve the Eucharist we need and should examine ourselves body and soul. Paul contributes to that thought saying," A person should examine himself and so eat and drink the cup, for anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eat and drinks judgement on himself.
The Eucharist at a deeper Level PART 1
Ever since I heard FAther Jack talk about the Eucharist I have made connections about the Body of Christ, and I possibly had a few insights before the retreat but didnt put two and two together until I think possibly this moment. Ever since second grade I have been recieving the Eucharist. The first time I recieved the Eucharist was on the tounge and it tasted like an ice cream cone. But as I have grown the Eucharist means so much more to me. Growing up Altar Serving became a part of my life. Not until I went on the March for Life in 2008 did I realize the importance of being brought up a server. Being a server you are literally close to the Eucharist. I think thats as close as you can get without being the priest and without being in the tabernacle with JEsus. Seeing how my mother and father sat my brother, sister and I in the front I guess it was only natural for me to be close to Jesus. Being a server meant I was able to sit near the consecration, and hold the patens when people were recieving communion. I served many masses and confirmations. Confirmations made me feel like an important person because I was helping the bishop, the head of our diocese. The first confirmation I served I held the Bishops hat (or mitor). But I didnt realize that I was intimately close to the Eucharist when I talked to Father Joe on the march for life. I was telling him about my past volunteering with the Churcfh and I mentioned that I altar served for many of years. He then mentioned, :So you are close to the Eucharist". This would make sense because Im helping Jesus serve the Last supper by helping him prepare, cleanup and I would say serve it. But the Eucharistic ministers and the priest and eacons are the servers of the Eucharist. AFter I stopped serving is when I was kind of unsure of how to become close to the Eucharist. It was after FAther O'Connor made the comment that began to visit communities. When I saw the postulants and novives at the Daughters of St. Paul helping with mass. I though to myself, "They are serving mass". Ive also seen others such as the Sisters of Life preparing for mass and for such things as exposition and adoration. At the last retreat (my first) retreat with the Sisters of Life I built a huge strong relationship with our Lord and Savior. I learned to Let JEsus love me. That occured when we had a healing serive with the monstrance and the priest blessing you with Jesus (Amazing). Now today at 3:10 Everything seem to change when the Blessed Sacrament appeared in the chapel. When you see Jesus placed in front of everyone nothing else matters at that moment. When the monstrance was placed in the Altar the Altar and the church seem to be transformed into something wonderful and amazing. I want to see Jesus placed on the Altar every moment of my life. Its sad JEsus Died for us but what came out of it was beauty and his body in the Eucharist on display for the world to see.
O Master Jesus Way TRuth and Life Is this where you are calling me to be?
O Master Jesus Way TRuth and Life Is this where you are calling me to be?
My first day of silence!!
Jan 3, 2008
So I made it to Villa Maria. Im so excited to be here but I cant tell anyone that except for the Lord Jesus Christ. Im going to be doing a lot of talking to the man upstairs. I am going ( Moy hopes and dreams for this extened silence week is to give everything I can to the Lord and give up the will I want for my life and let Jesus Christ who is Lord of everything show me his will.
Lord,
Help me to focus energy on my prayer , your love, forgiveness, your never ending grace, and most inportantly help me to completely and 100% open to vulnerability your will be done. Let it be done to me according to thy will. Help me to let go of what I have wanted for a long period of time. Because you might have something that will give me greater happiness. Never let me stray away from you who gives me grace, peace and love forever and always.
May the upcoming days be filled with your love and Grace
AFter Dinner at Villa Maria at 7:00
My mind is racing with so many questions of what to ask the Lord and why I am here. Is it the people? Do I feel this way becasue I am overtired? Is it because I havent given into sin since monday?
8:00
Why am I here? Why does this question plaque me so? Is it that I want to find you? I know that you are in the Eucharist and I keep coming to you with the questions of my life. Is that a sign or am I reading into everything too much. Why am I thinking about, "When do the others make silent retreats? I love the Sisters passion. But you cant see much in silence. You can see joy that they have for the Lord in their hearts. I need and want to be like them. The Daughters of St. Paul are lingering in my head. Waht is it about them that draw me towards them. The Salesians? Yes? I was drawn to the Salesians but I realized God was not callilng me towards them. I went to visit the Benedictines nuns of Emmitsburgh PA but that was to focus on prayer and become calmer in my interior. I went on a Byzantine Catholic pilgrimage and that was powerful. Micrcosm of prayer and tradition. Then I went to visit the Sisters of Life Nov-14-16 and it was a powerful experience. The Lord showed me his love on my birthday. Amazing Birthday Present. I also was drawn to the Sisters Joy and their passion for Jesus. I remember Sister Mary Gabriel telling me first I had to work on why I didnt understand why God loved me through all my sinfulness. So, I went to him, opened up, and let him love me. It was powerful. I was in a silent prayer day when he told me that. He loved me and I understood it. I want to enter into that again. I feel like this is a dream that Im sitting in front of JEsus Christ the Nazorean. I feel likes it a dream that through everything I have done JEsus Loves ME. O Soo cool. Whats next Lord? Why am I Here? To find that again That Passion for you? My Vocation? I will focus on one thing? To Let go and Let God. I do think too much Lord. Its like Theresa of Liesieux. Did she ever not trust in you?There isnt an ounce of my body that wants to go against you. No more!!! A snack?!! When I allow myself to be loved by you nothing else matters But you!!! There is so much in the world that I worry about but help me to take it one moment at a time and one day at a time. Why so I worry? No more worry? Each day for four you.
Well my wanting to be a Sisters of Life become stronger throughout the week.
Be Still and Know I am God!!
Is it you that wants me to ask or is it I who wants to ask!!
So I made it to Villa Maria. Im so excited to be here but I cant tell anyone that except for the Lord Jesus Christ. Im going to be doing a lot of talking to the man upstairs. I am going ( Moy hopes and dreams for this extened silence week is to give everything I can to the Lord and give up the will I want for my life and let Jesus Christ who is Lord of everything show me his will.
Lord,
Help me to focus energy on my prayer , your love, forgiveness, your never ending grace, and most inportantly help me to completely and 100% open to vulnerability your will be done. Let it be done to me according to thy will. Help me to let go of what I have wanted for a long period of time. Because you might have something that will give me greater happiness. Never let me stray away from you who gives me grace, peace and love forever and always.
May the upcoming days be filled with your love and Grace
AFter Dinner at Villa Maria at 7:00
My mind is racing with so many questions of what to ask the Lord and why I am here. Is it the people? Do I feel this way becasue I am overtired? Is it because I havent given into sin since monday?
8:00
Why am I here? Why does this question plaque me so? Is it that I want to find you? I know that you are in the Eucharist and I keep coming to you with the questions of my life. Is that a sign or am I reading into everything too much. Why am I thinking about, "When do the others make silent retreats? I love the Sisters passion. But you cant see much in silence. You can see joy that they have for the Lord in their hearts. I need and want to be like them. The Daughters of St. Paul are lingering in my head. Waht is it about them that draw me towards them. The Salesians? Yes? I was drawn to the Salesians but I realized God was not callilng me towards them. I went to visit the Benedictines nuns of Emmitsburgh PA but that was to focus on prayer and become calmer in my interior. I went on a Byzantine Catholic pilgrimage and that was powerful. Micrcosm of prayer and tradition. Then I went to visit the Sisters of Life Nov-14-16 and it was a powerful experience. The Lord showed me his love on my birthday. Amazing Birthday Present. I also was drawn to the Sisters Joy and their passion for Jesus. I remember Sister Mary Gabriel telling me first I had to work on why I didnt understand why God loved me through all my sinfulness. So, I went to him, opened up, and let him love me. It was powerful. I was in a silent prayer day when he told me that. He loved me and I understood it. I want to enter into that again. I feel like this is a dream that Im sitting in front of JEsus Christ the Nazorean. I feel likes it a dream that through everything I have done JEsus Loves ME. O Soo cool. Whats next Lord? Why am I Here? To find that again That Passion for you? My Vocation? I will focus on one thing? To Let go and Let God. I do think too much Lord. Its like Theresa of Liesieux. Did she ever not trust in you?There isnt an ounce of my body that wants to go against you. No more!!! A snack?!! When I allow myself to be loved by you nothing else matters But you!!! There is so much in the world that I worry about but help me to take it one moment at a time and one day at a time. Why so I worry? No more worry? Each day for four you.
Well my wanting to be a Sisters of Life become stronger throughout the week.
Be Still and Know I am God!!
Is it you that wants me to ask or is it I who wants to ask!!
Silence Experience with the Lord
Between January 3-11 I attended a silent retreat at Villa Maria in Connecticut with the Sisters of Life. Ever since my first experience with the Sisters in November I wanted to visit again. After I graduated I wanted and needed to be silent with Jesus and listen to where he was calling me. Fortunately I found that The sisters of Life gave private and directed retreats throught the year and their was one that was coming up right after the new year. I almost was not able to go on the retreat. The day after New Years my mother and I were down with the flu. UP to the night of the retreat I was still feeling the flu. But the next morning I boarded a bus to connectict and I made it Stanford in one piece. The next coming blogs are my experience in Silence with the Lord Jesus Christ.
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