Did God have to write papers?

DID GOD EVER have to write a literature review??? NO!! Then why do I have to write one?? Cause apparently thats what college students have to do. I am doing the best I can on this paper. Its soo difficult, I can write papers on my life and relating to life. THIS IS HARD! BUIT IM IN THE PROCESS OF WRITING IT!!! AS im writing this paper so many things are going through my mind. ONE BIG QUESTION IS WILL I FAIL THIS CLASS??? Im sso scared to fail!! Ive have done my best and its not fair for students who have trouble taking tests. I have tried to understand wahts going on in the class. What is the deal Lord!! I am starting to understand this!! Will I ever have to write this when I am a Daughter???

Sisters of Life experience

Silence on The Friday of the retreat:

Dear God,

Help me to find you love today I dont understand. I know that you are there but your love I dont. Show me your love. Help me to surrender to your Holy Will.

Im scared to tell you everything I think and feel. I know that you wont judge me being vulnerable to your love scares me. I would like to know what I want to do with my life and I like to have control over my life. I know I choose to do whats right or wrong. I need you as a guide. I need you as my light. I dont know how to surrender to your love. Help me to earse all expectations of my mind and help me to just be in your presence. Your presence is all I need. With my sins I turn away from your face. I dont want to turn from your love which I dont completely understand. I sit in the front I phys.. (all I wrote).

AFter Silence at the Bus statation:

I feel Christ moving within me. I dont completely understand it. I have this surge of energy within me. I feel I need to proclaim to the world that Christ loves them . The Lord was shown to me through the Sisters of Life. I saw such passion in their eyes to want to serve the Lord. For the past few years I have struggled with Gods unconditional love and mercy. This weekend something changed in me. Being in Adoration, going to mass with the sisters, and listening to them speak was the works of the Holy Spirit. Last night after the healing service I was so energized to know that God was their for me. Sister Mary Gabriel suggested I lay prostrate before the blessed sacrament. She suggested it to me before the retreat and I did it once before. But at that time I still had fear of what people might thing about me if I was laying in front of Jesus. This time after the healing service their was a fear but it was smaller than my wanting. So I layed prostrate in front of the Lord Jesus Christ. Not caring what anything/ or what anyone would say I surrendered. It wasnt like a big "O my goodness" JEsus love me moment but little tiring throught the weekend or these things are big with the Lord(doesnt make sense but this is what I wrote). I felt God's greace increase in me throughout the weekend. I have a passion and deeper passion to go before the blessed sacrament wherever it is. MAke a spiritual communion and increase my faith, trust and compassion for him. Because of my passion I am writing this at a pbus station right after I prayed the chaplet of the divine mercy with the book that Sister. G gave to me as a gift. THe Lord is Love. His GRACE IS ENOUGH!!!!

PLEASE LORD SPEED UP

Somedays I wished that Gods will sped up!! Like TODAY!. I love the SISTERS OF LIFE NO QUESTIONS THERE. Todays was one of those days that I had where I just wanted to be with JEsus!! I just want all my homework and school work to disappear. I was able to eat with my friends today which was great. This evening I was able to pray before the lord in our little chapel. For some reason I felt uneasy afterwards. ONly becasue I was trying to pick Gods will randomly. What I did was I put the two orders that I have visiting along with two blank pieces of paper. I put them on the altar, prayed for a bit and then I chose one of them. During my prayer time I also prayed the Rosary and I became very excited. I am excited and scared at the same time to do Gods will. THe funny thing is it never picked what I beleive in MY HEART IS GODS WILL. When I was visiting the Sisters of Life one of the girl discussed how many thing led her to join the Sisters. A lot of the things that I have experienced has fit what I feel CAlled to do. When I went to Visit the DAughters they help me learn to be open and honest with Christ. Thats one big lesson I will never Forget. Then I visiting the Sisters of ST. Benedict in Ferdinand Indiana I cleaned the Fatimas statues, including their sheep, and even though I was face to face talking with my vocation director I was REALLY Talking to MARY Who was watching us speak. The later I went to Visit the Benedictine Nuns and their I happen to clean their Fatima statues, and the sheep!! The later I visited the Salesians and they pray a lot to MARy. They prayed the Angelus, and the Rosary!! Then REcently I went to Visit the SIsters of Life and they ARE BIG ON MARY.. WE also played a Saints game. The zasaint that we had was the saint that picked us for the weekend. MY st was eliZABeth and on the Sisters of Life website they discuss Elizabeth~(quite tired Ill elaborate later). Everything seems to fit the Sisters of Life! I REALLY Do like the Sisters of Life because they are deep in prayer a lot of their day. I feeel called to do a lot of praying but just not 24 hrs. I have had a few sisters ask me if I was called to contemplative . I want to pray soo much and minister to people. I know some may say Im going soo fast but Im not entering tommorow. I applied to be part of the Lamp Ministry. They minister in NYC And help the disadvantaged find Christ. During my ministry I hope to start possibly applying for the SISTERS OF LIFE. I feeL God is calling me to this service so I can learn more about community life and about myself. I defintely will enjoy it and look forward to wearing the HABIT!! I think HABITS ARE COOL!!! I feel The SISTERS OF LIFE ARE THOSE PEOPLE! I KNow I need to wait patiently for the LORD!! Hopefully I can talk to SISTER G. about a possible silent retreat with them to unwind and to pray with Jesus FOR A WHILE!!! I know I will have my struggles but I willing to keep REPENTING AND FULLY RENOUNCE!!!!!!!!!!

Where does God want me to go?

Have you ever felt that Jesus was pulling you in many directions? Have you ever felt confused about your self and what inside your heart. Ever since the beginning of my junior I have been struggling with self gratification, and my sexuality. For a while I was really frustrating why I was attracted to woman and probably still I am but I havent really discussed that iwth anyone in a while except Christ. Becuse of my cofnusion with myself I was asked to go to counseling to have soeone basically help me to understand myself and to love myself. Well I started counseling at the beginning of the semester, I found a counselor on campus who I knew that was catholic and knew some of my friends. The first meeting it only took me a few mintues to become comfortable talking with her. At the first meeting I revealed a lot of my struggles with my sexuality, with me not loving myself becaue I sin and because I sinned I didnt think that Christ should love me. I told her I was also afraid to be vulnerable and give up everything to himm. The counseling was going well!1 One of the first activities she had me do was write all my negativity down on a ball to show myself how negative I was about myself. I also started an affirmation envelope which has quotes and varous of positive things in it. In therapy we also duscussed the attachment I had to one of my friends. Al ot of the time I talked about him and honestly wanted to be like him . I comapred myself a lot to him and I guess I thought I was attracted to him. During therapy my sexuality and self gratification was also brought up. as my therapy went on I started to decrease my self gratification and I told that to my counselor. She reacted with the response "Why". She went on to explain that was good way to embrace my sexuality was to "get to know myself". AS my therapy went on she also told me that I was hiding behind my faith. HOW AM I HIDING BEHIND it when Im going to my faith for answers and praying in front of JESUS for them. AFter that session I WAS ANNOYED. I was kind of glad she had two weeks off!!! In that two weeks the Sisters of Life were giving a weekend womans retreat. A while back I filled out a Vocation inquiry form to the sisters. Not to long after I recieved an emails saying they liked my responses and wanted to talk with me on the phone. Fora while we exchanged emails because of world youth day and school getting in the way. Fortuatnely a month before the retreat I had the coipportunity to talk with Sister Mary GAbriel the vocation director to the Sisters of Life. When I starting talking to her I immediately felt JESUS(which is crazy because I never knew JESUS Could use a phone). Anyways, I felt the need to be immediately open to her annd asked her about entering into the order with the feeligns of same sex attraction. I talked to her about my campus minister telling me about how to embrace my sexuality, and how the newman center is not very convervative and not very catholic at that. I told her I was not able to go to daily mass. She told me of a volunteer program in the city, the lamp ministries. She said they would be a good opportuhnity for me to be in the city, helping people, and learnign about myself in the process. After that little tidbit she shaid their was a womans retreat and she said that I should attend if I could get away from school. Fortuantely I found out I was able to attend the retreat. I would just miss a day of classes OH WELL!!!! :) Anways, the weekned of the fifteenth I arrived in Stanford Connecticut for the retreat. The first evening I started to get to know some of girls at a surface level. however we had silence next day. I was scared of silence because I still had doubts that God loved with all the sins of impurity. Throughtout the day being with JEsus was hard. All day I asked him questions and just talked. Fortunately later in the day at 4:40 I was able to speak with the vocation director Sister Mary Gabriel. Being an open person I told her I was frustrated about the day. i told her I was afraid to be vulnerable to Gods love and I didnt want to be in the place where he might deny me. She gave me advice to go in front of JEsus and open my heart up to him. She also mentioned to me I was like a television. MY mind is always running and its just not listening. She gave me encouragement and told me their was goign to be a healing mass in the evening and to pray hard to JESUS. After my meeting I felt at peace and I had courage in me that I could give it all to Jesus. We had evening prayer, and we could break the silence. At dinner I told someone it was my birthday. AFter that all the sisters sang happy birthday to me!! Quite cool!! After we had an hours so we played board games for a bit. Followed was a talk. The talk was powerful. But after the talk I was able to Confess my sins to my birthday present!!! I was able to see a Priest friend I have seen once before!!! I see Christ in him and he is a good confessor!!!! Then followed the healing service. When the healing mass happened it was powerful. I felt JESUS I SAW JESUS AND I LET JESUS IN!!!!! I didnt want to leave him because I knew it was safe in his arms. I felt rejuvenation with the feeling of love of JESUS CHIRST IN ME!!!! After the service I felt the Holy SPirit energized in me!!! Afterwards we had an opportunity for adoration all night. During the night with the suggestion of Sister G. I prostrated myself in front of JEsus was vulnerable. I NEED THAT and WANT ADORATION FOREVER. At times I go back and forth with what God wants me to do but I Know in MY HEART IT WILL BE THE SISTERS OF LIFE!! I just dont want to let of GO of the Daughters. But God has the Sisters of Life in store for me!! I honestly feel myself there!!!!

Following the Lord

I just want to follow the Lord. I want to live my life as a prayer. Sometimes is so hard to do that. Its difficult to balance your prayer life with your school work. Honestly I would rather go prayer and focus on the Lords will rather than school work Being active in the drama club in high school I thought thats what I wanted to do with my life. So, I applied to Oswego State and Genesee Community College. Well, I didnt get into oswego the first time but I was accepted to Genesee Community College. When I first arrived I was petrified because I didnt know anyone, nor did I know where anything was. Even though the school was very small, I didnt know where some of my classes were. Which makes me laugh because now I am at a school that is a zillion times bigger than GCC. Anyways, for the first few weeks I became acquainted with the theatre department. The first show that we partipated in was "The Importance of Being Earnest". Because I only participated in crew I only had to be there a week before the show. The first time I went to rehersal I met the director. The directors name was Steve Vaughn. O goodness I guess you could say I had a bit of a crush on his personality. For the first few rehersals I learned was I was supposed to be doing, which was move a wall for the first act and the second act.

Part 3 The Seed

After the trip I filled out a few cards and started to recieve mail from various religious orders.. Because my faith is very important to me, and becuase of my intersted in religious life I wanted to use Holy week as at time to reflect on the Lords will... (To be continued)...

The Seed Part 2

During junior year I began to look into religious orders. In the fall in was introduced to my first order The Daughters of St. Paul. The Daughters of Saint Paul is an apostolic order whose mission is to preach the Gospel through the media which includes music, books, and etc. Because my pastor knew I was a communication studies and played the saxophone he sent me a pamphlet on the order. Then not too long afterwards my friends priest Father Mark, said there was an order that dealt with the media called the Daughters. Was Jesus trying to tell me something? I don't know yet!! At then end of the month I was fortunate to attend the Right to Life March in Washington DC. Throughout the trip I was able to talk to our diocesan vocation Director Father O'connor. We were able to discuss my life. As our conversation progressed I talked about my worries about school and he gave me a quote which I have remember ever since. The quote is "Nail yourself to the Desk Like Christ to the Cross". I was also able to discuss my possible vocation to religious life and what steps I should take to look into religious life. He told me there was book that was full of different orders, along with their postcards so you could send for their information. Great trip Great motivation Great Man of God.

The Seed!!

The Catholic Church is a major part of my life. Ever since I was a very small child I have participated in the mass or at church functions. The first role I played at church was Baby Jesus. My parish used to incorporate the Christmas story into the mass. One year my parents played Mary and Joseph. Because I was born close to Christmas time I had the opportunity to play Baby Jesus. The funny thing is that year my brother was a wise man, and my sister was an angel!! So I guess you could say we are a "Holy Family". In third grade I became an Altar Server. Altar Serving was beneficial to my body and soul. My former pastor Father Andrew Baranski taught us many things about the mass and the Catholic Church. As an Altar Server I had the opportunity to meet the Bishop on the Altar, and help him during
confirmations. Besides Altar Serving, I played my saxophone for the music ministry. Playing my saxophone for numerous occasions help me to Praise God and give him Glory. To this day I continue to participate in services at my Newman center and at my home parish.

I am coming to realization that I want to Serve God through my music, and possibly the written word. Particularly at the Daughters of Saint Paul.
I have to thank (blame) JK Father Andrew Baranski for planting the seed for me to think about joining religious life. It was one fall confirmation and I was helping serve for a confirmation. When the Bishop was giving the final annoucement he briefly discussed how we need young people to be witnesses of Christ love. While the Bishop was talking Father Andrew whispered in my ear that I should consider joining religious life. I joked to him that I would become a priest before I become a nun. Fast Forwarding to my junior year of college I started to make steps to consider religious life.

(CONTINUE TOMMOROW)

UPDATE ON ME!!

I started my last semester at Oswego STATE!! Boy is it an adjustment becoming acquained to living in the dorms again, and studying and wrting papers. The Lord strengthens me everyday!! In less than I week I will be making a step in my possible vocation to the Daughters of SAint Paul. I pray everyday to Jesus Christ~~~~ One thing I am lacking is patience!!! I need to be patient and wait for his will to be known!! I just want to jump on it and it doenst work like that!! I need to follow HIS WILL HIS WAY!!!!!!!

For all those struggling with school! this quote helps me to stay on track!!

Nail yourself to the Desk Like Christ to the Cross!!!!

Im in the process of writing my vocation journey!! one day in the future it will be posted!! maybe even someday it will be a book to inspire others to follow the way of JEsus!!

Temptation!!

Many of my blogs dont make any sense to anyone but me. These blogs are for me to write everything that I am feeling!! There has been so many thoughts and feelings going through my brain lately that I dont understand. I am afraid to let Christ love me completely! there are moments I have during prayer and mediation that I let Christ hold me and I give myself to him but something in me makes me upset like I am right now for feeling that I keep pushing Jesus away from me when I commit sins that are not in accordance with his word. Why we do have moments when we commits sins that we know are not what God wants from us but we go against his word. I blame original sin!! Adam and EVE!! But if we didnt have original sin we wouldnt go to Christ asking for strength to get through many of the tough situations in life. I need to the Lord more than ever these days!! I want to join religious life!! I am thinking in my mind right now that Christ is putting barriers in my way? Would christ put barriers in my way to see how much I am willing to do to follow his will!!! Thats an intersting question!!~! I know that Christ was tempted in the desert by the devil!!! But he did not succume to the temptation of the one who knows nothing!!! How did Jesus say no many times to The Devil in the desert!! I just read the notes on the side of my bible in Luke Chapter 4 verse two that Jesus was able to with stand the devil becasue he was blessed by the holy spirit. But arent I blessed with the holy spirit thus I would be able to over come my sins?

Mary's DAY!

Today is the assumption of the blessed Virgin Mary!! Like many Catholics I partipated in the holy day of obligaiton.Mary is an amazing woman who through her fear gave life to Jesus Christ! I need to listen to Christ and my mother in heaven!!! Please pray for the priesthood and religious life~~~

AMAZING!!

JESUS WILL NOT DISAPPOINT!!! In the upcoming weeks I will start to posts little stories about my come and see retreats to various communities!!! JEsus has and will never let me down!! I know this for certain!!!

Focus

If you take time out for the Lord during the day and focus on being relazed you will feel less anxious and more peaceful inside. Give all your struggles to the Lord!!! "Keep watch and pray so that you will not give into temptation. For the spirit is willing but the body is weak" (Mark 14:38)As long as I put my focus on the Lord and not my sins Jesus will not disappoint!! Do not dwell on the past but look towards the future and have faith!!! God be with you!!! Right now I feel at peace and I dont feel temptation in my life!! But when it comes to me I will face it with Christ by my side and me walking away from it!!!

Feelings about the will of GOd!

Sometimes its hard for me to move on from sins I commit!!! I know I shouldn't beat myself up when I do something that's against Jesus! but I am coming to the realization that I will falter at times. When I falter God will love me just the same. Its seems that my faltering is a blessing in disguise because every time I sin I want to pray and become closer to Jesus. So why do I feel like I'm the worst person in the world when I commit a sin. Its because I am a faithful and dedicated person who doesn't want to disappoint her Lord and savior. I am slowly ingraining it in my heart that when we do our best to serve and love Jesus that's all he wants us to do. Is to do our best. Sometimes I don't think my best is very good because I compare myself to other people and think I am no good because I'm not them. But you know what I'm not them. God created me in his likeness and image and I'm not like any other person in this world. God created me with the gift of faith, music and the perseverance. Everything I do I want to do my best in and I do this to make Jesus proud of me. Jesus is already proud of me and Loves me because he loves everything that he created. If I am faithful, open and honest to the Lord and let him love me Jesus will not disappoint!! :) For a while I was afraid to be open and honest to Jesus because I was afraid of what he would think of me. Ever since I let him into my heart on my retreat at the Daughters of Saint Paul in Boston MA I have wanted to go serve him where I found his love!! I want to serve God, I have a passion to serve God and when I graduate College I want to serve him through Consecrated life! If I wait I feel like I will be putting God on hold and I wont feel completely at peace until I go full force and follow his will! But I feel God is calling me to visit other religious orders to learn more about myself and to becoming deeper in my prayer life.

LEarning to Love myself

Even when we Sin Jesus will love and forgive us!! Through a friend I just realized that I am not a bad person. At times when I sin I feel like the worst person in the world. He help me to realize that a good person wouldnt discern gods will, help people out, and partipate in church activites. I learned God loved me in March when let him hold me but now I am learning to love myself even in sin. If I sin, I will ask JEsus to forgive me, and move on with a clean slate!!!!!

Memorial Day!!!

Let the Lord be light to all soldiers lost in darkness!! May Christ lead them home!!!

Simpleness!

God is Love!

Retreats

God Willing I will be visiting the Daughters of Saint Paul in Boston for vows on June 15. Thinking about the sisters makes me feel happy and calm inside!!! I feel God wants to me serve him where I found his love. When I was first there for Holy Week I opened up to him, was honest and felt Gods Love in my heart. After the retreat I felt calmer that I did before the retreat. Jesus worked in my soul!!!!

Throughout the past few weeks while reading Holy darling I have learned that we become closer to Christ through our struggles. Before learning this my vocation was stiffled by me being frustrated and upset about my struggles and thinking that Jesus was not helping me through them. But because I was struggling so much I prayed for forgiveness and peace. I am slowly become patient with Gods Will. Everything is in his time and I have to honestly and firmly engrain that into my heart!!!


At end of June I was be traveling to The Sisters of St. Benedict in Indiana for a week of reflection and to deepen my prayer life!!!! I feel God is calling me to visit this order in order to learn to be patient! and to reflect more upon his will!!!

Patience

Sometimes Its hard to be patient in a fast paced world. When we sit and be calm and wait for the Lord's will to unfold I think that is worth the wait. I AM SLOWLY LEARNING TO BE PATIENT!!!!

My history professor my sophmore year gave me this quoute and I think it seems fitting right now


P:S Lianna inspired me to write this tonight!!
To Fly is Heavenly but to Hover Divine!!!

Depending on Gods Love!!!!

"Be Gentle with yourself and on Gods love". For a while I have not fully understood that statement. While I was on my retreat Sister Meg recommended I read a book called The Fearless Trust of St. Therese of Lisieux Holy Darling. The books talks about how Therese went before the Lord with honestly and openness (Parrhesia). Well, I have been reading and reflecting upon the book. I have not been fully honest and open with the Lord. On my retreat I started to tap into opening myself up to the Lord. I have struggles a lot with some specific sins but I have not realized that through all of my struggles I have become closer to the Lord Jesus Christ. The book states that, "She did not let her defects cause discouragement but learned to love them for the way they kept her dependent, with the greatest immediacy, moment by moment upon Gods Grace". My weaknesses help me as a person to depend on the lord on a deeper level that ever before. I am slowly learning to be gentle with myself because Jesus is Gentle on ME!!!

Lord,

When I commit a sin help me to be gentle with myself like you are to your little children!!!

The Lord be With YOU!!!!!

The Lord is always with us!! During times of trial and agony the Lord is with us the most!! When you call on him he will be there will you and comfort you!!! The Lord will never disappoint~~~

I found this prayer and it made me think of anyone who has anquish right now in their life>!! My they find hope and comfort in this prayeR!!!!

"O Christ Jesus,when all is darkness and we feel our weakness and helplessness,give us the sense of Your presence,Your love, and Your strength.Help us to have perfect trustin Your protecting love and strengthening power,so that nothing may frighten or worry us,for, living close to You,we shall see Your hand,Your purpose, Your will through all things"

"JESUS WILL NOT DISSAPPOINT!!!

Inspiring WORDS!!

"For the Struggles we face and conquer will only make us stronger"
"Bad Days are relative"
"For the wages of sin is death but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord(Romans 6:23)"

And ALWAYS

HE LISTENS
HE HEARS
HE LOVES

Jesus Will NEver Disappoint!!!!!

Hello!!!

So this is a blog!!!!

I thought I would start writing my thoughts down on the computer in hope they will be comfort to any one who needs words of encouragment!!!
Tommorow I will start writing but for tonight I will leave you with these words:

HE LISTENS
HE HEARS
HE LOVES YOU