Fourth Day of Silence

10:50

Throughout morning prayer my mind kept thinking of my vocation to the religious life. My mind kept going back to this order: The Sisters of Life. When I pray I kept thinking about me as a postulant. Being a postulant would be amazing and cool. I think habits are so beautiful. Its amazing. Its a cool sign from Jesus. Habits look like a pillow case on the head. But in honesty I would love to done the clothes of a novice then wear the habit and be a sign for the world to see that I Candice Barbara Wilcox am a sign from God. A Sister. Trusting in the Lord is my struggle right now. In my prayer is difficult for me to completely and full fledged say yes to the Lord. one reason is that I dont know where God is calling me. Some days in my silence thus far Ive though that Jesus wants me to become a sister a sign of Christ for the world to see. I want to be like Sister Maria Faustina trusting that everything will be fine. When I put it in the hands of God. When I let Christ Love me it was the most amazing feeling in the world. Now this is where I feel like Maria Faustina, in the fact that I feel somewhat of a disconnect at the moment. When I attend mass and before I will pray to Jesus for clarity and less confusion in my mind and heart.

3:35 After Exposition

The Lord Jesus Christ came out at 3:00 in the afternoon. I have begun to read "The diary of Maria Faustina and Im learning thatI have some things in common. When Sister felt many torments and temptations she didnt where God was in all that. Its exactly like my junior year of college and on when I when I began to struggle with the feelings of confusion about my sexuality and the act of self-gratification. I didnt feel close to God. When I told Sisters and Priests about my struggles they kept trying to reiterate to me over and over that God Loved me. But because of my sins were against purity I felt that Jesus was against me and he didnt love me through my sinfulness. Such like Sister Maria Faustina I stuck to prayer for comfort and peace. A priest told sister that "this is a sign" he told me "that God loves you very much and that he has great confidence in since he is sending you these trials. There are times when I want to pray throwing everything at Jesus and question all he gave me. These struggles? For what purpose? but to no avail for a long time I found no peace within. It wasnt until I came to the Sisters of Life that I found that peace. I FOUND JESUS HERE!! Jesus Lead me to the various people I have met.

Do what you will of me O JESUS.
I will adore you in everything
May your will be done in me.
O my lord and my God and I will praise your infinite mercy
(page 40 of The Daries of Sister Maria Faustina)